Scottish Power

Are thieving bastards, took over 400 out of my account and then returned only 32, another battle I have to fight, bloody big corporation, they just want your money on their budget sheets for as long as they can, imagine the bloody interest they get ripping us off...

Oh just got back from Dublin, but am at present raging, I mean they tell you that you have to wait 45 mins to speak to someone !!!

Tired

I'm so tired I'm barely conscious, yes to some degree my fault but oh dear it is a bind being to worn out, lets see I got 4 hrs sleep on Thursday, 7 Friday, broken sleep at and maybe 4 last night.. Not enough she cries...
+ I'm suffering from whip lash which is so draining because of the pain and the head ache...
Spoke to Steve in Japan which was wonderful, I miss the connection we had but hopefully we can reestablish it again, but that's down to him really... I think it would help me to have him back as a friend again...
In wine truth ?? Does alcohol release inhibited thought ?? I coud do with a glass of wine right now thats for sure....
Need to play catch up here but the pain is to much for me to be able to consentrate...

Giving

I need to give it is my life force that desires this so strongly ........

Restriction

Do some people not think or is it that we overlay our desires upon a given situation and thus give the situation a force that does not exist in the others mind, or do I yes I have a desire that is not met so find fault in another to allow myself to feel what ever emotion is conjured up in my mind, usually emotions of negativity..
I actually desire so little I meet my own needs but when desire is stirred then it becomes all encompassing I am filled with passion and desire that desire is a force that propels me forward to amazing heights this desire to make another happy to make another feel wanted, loved, cared for, but what when desire is met with a resistance where the object of desire does not respond does not allow the giving nature that needs to be expressed what then, the need to bestow finds no outlet finds no release and is bound within, what then becomes of this force of a need to express only an altuistic nature, what becomes of this altruism does it turn inwards and express itself in a form of frustration,  this is my undoing for here i have already found the pain of such rejection, in writing this I know that the love i feel is not appreciated so will and must be put forward to give nourishment for another soul, there are so many in need I must meditate these emotions outward sharing only love and light, I must smile and bear the feeling of neglect and see again only that there is a need for love in this world.
Allow me the grace to find peace within this situation one way or another for I am tired of neglecting my souls voice i am tired of wanting to bestow but meeting only restriction...

Silence

As they say is golden so this time lips tight shut, no words to prove my folly if in fact folly is here at play one simply knows not as yet, but time that ever passes with deliberation, taunting one with its infinite capacity to render one desperate for it to fly or desperate for it to last just that little bit longer well here I have or am finding this taunting time has now lost some of its intensity, still the chattering mind reminds me of its passing but the desperation of this chatter has diminished.
Here I sit now with a small degree of calm, lost is the hold that chained me to irrationality replaced with now a sense of destiny, I know the path I've seen the path I simply disregarded it not trusting my sight my knowledge, the heavy crushing ego that has caused so many problems now fights hard for its dominance over me and in truth will win some battles as will I over it in others, but with each battle won maybe I will become stronger changing my inner force for the better, trusting my insight trusting my souls voice that sounds its triumphant horn at each victory for and on behalf of me who cannot see my growth nor boast of it..

And here within "maybe" I find the fearful tones of egos voice whispering in my ear.... There is no Maybe I am stronger...

Day done

Do i go to the gym / walk/run the dog/ figure out what to wear tonight ? um ok dunno, going to ma ma stones tonight ...
Debs is celebrating tonight, sooooooo should be a good night, think she maybe man hunting !! she likes to give me some sacrificial man but still have a crush in place so or do i snog some rather dishy guy to get this one out of my mind... dilemmas ;)

Focus

To attain focus over ones monkey mind is indeed a task, the contestant chatter is at times deafening, it seems to serve no purpose other than as a constant distraction usually with one subject, and usually that which one would dearly like to submerge into the vast nothingness if that indeed exists in some format, for me it seems not to, i cannot bury thought !!
This is a gift that I would deary like to gain, the loss of noisy thoughts, I have discovered one thing within this experience with JE in that sometimes when he looked at me you could see that there was with some disappointment or a look that said you don't measure up or your not good looking enough, these moments were brief but they existed and I was aware of them and here is where my mirror existed i cannot fault him in that I'm aware of how it feels....Mirror Mirror on the wall ... show me my reflection... but that reflection is not always what we would like to see...
I need to be able to change things within myself but I struggle...... meditation would do it but escaping this monkey mind !!!!!!!!!!!

no time

No time, no time... at least its my day off...
Nice meal at the lighter last night unlike the one on wed which was really bad at the harvester, next meeting is at the white hart again, thank god ..
Oh and Exeter is over run by bloody students, even on Tue night when we went out for a quite drink every pub was over run with them, so much for student debt, but hey Its Exeter Uni the countries baby sitting uni for the rich mummies and daddies and their spoilt little off spring.. its like Ra world out there!!!
Just have to wait until they all go back for xmas :) yip other than that its travel out side the high street as most students here seem to spend most of there time plastered the thought of driving is not conducive to them..
Hey ho gunna go shopping now !

Nature

The human species may govern its environment but not with love and caring but with a will to ensure its dominance. We do indeed walk to our own oblivion with our eyes tight shut against natures balance, there is non to keep us in check bare our own conscience and that we no longer heed...

Be Still

Be still this beating heart of mine, why do you act the traitor to your master who has carried you, held you, and comforted you, but who in truth has exposed you to things that have damaged you, is this my penance, your treachery in my time of need, where strength was my aid indeed strength sided with you leaving me defenceless against my will, my will too finding solace in you, I am lost, will, strength, heart all leading me to where my weakness lays, within arms that for moments I do forget, for moments does my fear retreat.. But when arms no longer interlinked do free me then the fear returns....

Virus

Well that was rather horrible.. worst part is I felt so rough today i couldn't go to the gym :( not sure how I'll fit it in tomorrow as I'm out with /debs, where trying yet another new pub, never remember its name that's the problem, but its oldy worldy and attracts and interesting bunch of people.. The Hour Glass, remembered :)
Have been feeling guilty about off loading my emotional drama and asked for a little "its cool" but as yet I've had no reply...

Virus

There was  me thinking I was sinking into a depression but nope its a virus, in fact cant do the spelling corrections I notice because I can look at this screen its so bright and its hurting my eyes... Cant look at this lap top at all its making my head hurt... So much for being mega fit and healthy..

Weepies

My mother gave me a box set of films called weepies and yes having watched the first one tears were shed, one wonders at these moments if the tears are shed for the characters within the film or in fact shed for ones self, driving back just now I wanted so much to just cry but in my head was the fact that if I allow myself this then how can I have faith that all will be well, faith is so hard to keep when inside your feel like things are tearing away at you, the things that you cant change the things that you can do nothing about because you have no control... I'm feeling it very hard to not curl up and be whale my sad state, I have to stay in because I have work tomorrow but in truth I don't want to be here alone i want to be out pretending that I'm ok that I'm in control.
Is all this part of my damaged childhood, was my mothers marriage to a man she didn't want to marry by her own admission the reason she never loved my brother and I is it why my brother ended up with cancer his bodies way of manifesting all the neglect we endured, I don't know, I do know through my teenage yrs I tried so hard not to be here anymore, starving myself to an unrecognisable state, two overdoses, just because I think I wanted to be loved, and as I had no compass to set emotions by I have never know true love. I used to think that through my youthful silliness that all beautiful people were loved and adored, and these were the people on magazines, so if I wanted love all I had to do was be thin, and thinner, no one could love me if I was fat, so I couldn't eat and now with this comment that was made I'm back thinking that I should have been thinner, even though I know its silly, but if I had been thinner then it would have been one less issue..
If I hadn't dated him I woundnt be feeling bad, i would still have been in that place that looked forward to one day that special person sweeping me off my feet.
I don't understand why spirit has decided to put me through this, but I have to try so hard on this horrible decent into my deepest lack to look forwards and try with a my powers to aim towards the light.. But I'm so so very tired off all this.. People think I'm mad when I say death doesn't bother me but it doesn't because in death we feel nothing of this pain.
I'm really really tired right now, I wish he hadn't been so mean................ I don't understand it...............He tought me one thing though i cant put mysef through this again I just cant, please please give me the strength to stay on my own dont let me be swayed by someone pretending to be nice when i know now I really know that men are never nice to me.............my throat hurts so much.....

meditation

Fingers crossed Steve sends me the password to access his meditation, and fingers crossed it surpasses my expectation... That man could take me off world with his voice...
I'm fasting again, and I'm just starting to get hungry.... doing house work to fill in time, but not much more to do :( please please don't make time take to long today) I need peace.. and that can only be found at the mo in my dreams...

The chase

You know when your on the motorway and you tag someone following them, so i don't know they kind of pull you along. well... After doing the weights I got on the the bike next to what looked like a female version of rocky in that she was wearing about 6 layers of clothing and cycling very fast (on a low level, mega easy) but after getting on the tread mill and after god knows how many streatching exercises she was ready to go, I got on and walked for 2 mins and then started to run, its interesting how people like to compete, she kept running and so did I, I pushed passed leve 12 and nearly kiled myself, got to go out will finish later...Suffice to say after 30 minutes I had to leave but as I left I saw her get off looking rather shattered and I think rather glad I'd got off before her, so all in all it profited us both as we pushed one another :)

Bored Bored Bored

Why is it when you want to get out of the house everybody is Busy!! I think its orchestrated by upstairs, their imposing some sort of time out on me...  No wine No fun just physical working out, so fields tonight with the dog, :(

The bullet

To dream of being hit by a bullet suggests that you need to persevere and endure the difficult times.
Great so I get shot by a bullet last night in my dreams, and above is the interpretation via a dream dictionary, reasonably accurate I guess... 
Experienced a great unease last night and very restless, when waking I experience a sense of wanting to be wrapped up in his arms, he was so good at that, Damn...
But the bullet was removed so I'm guessing that the problems will dissipate soon, and it was only a shoulder injury which I guess would also mean that as it was not a body shot things aren't as bad as I see them to be...
I guess I'll move through this experience and grow, the one thing I wont do is be diminished by it I have to beat the darkness and give it no strengh for it will take hold and drag me down, in fact for the past few weeks have been experiencing  one thing after another testing me but again through out every experience I take the reins hold and decide with conviction to gallop straight through with no time spent looking around for in hesitation sometimes we are lost.
Its not an easy thing to do most of the time, but this is the way I think my path is and so I must go with it... Always Love Always Light, Hey my new mantra, how cool, you see this writing thing opens doors for me, I like this Always Love, Always Light :)
I know I babble along here but its nothing compared to the other writing I do, it just pours out pages of it and always its leading me towards my souls delight, freedom, freedom from the pain that we choose to feel when things hurt us instead of seeing these things as cul de sacs which we venture in to on occasion before returning to the road.
Dream Int for road
Road
To see a road in your dream refers to your sense of direction and how you are pursuing your goals. If the road is winding, curvy, or bumpy in your dream, then it suggests that you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the controversial or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.�

If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned.

To see an unknown road in your dream represents a path that has not been ventured. You are setting a new precedence for something.

To dream that a threatening creature is on a road parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear. *Please see also Street.

Interesting, so one could with ones thought make this road less undulating and layed more to one's advantage, maybe with every decent the focus should be upon the ascent and to focus on that... with of course my new Mantra :)

Tired

I have to make sure time is filled with stuff and stuff usually means going down the gym although i felt guilty or sad not sure which when the same guy let me in again, he prob thinks I have no life.. oh well I just need to get myself fitter than I was and that means running.. Not sure if I see any change as yet but that wont deter me.. To be honest I think being fit is better than going to the pub every night or sitting watching TV how boring is that...And I got to over level 11 and could have run longer bar the fact that my ear phones fell out and whilst trying to sort it I feel out of rhythm then I got the sniffles.. next time I'll have a tissue and I'll buy some head phones that sit over your ears..
Going to get my creatine tabs for muscle building Thursday so will see if that makes a difference...

Looking forward to seeing debs on Thursday down our usual the white hart for dinner and a catch up...

I'm bored now, and its only 9.30 :(

Besieged

Why oh why is my mind besieged with thoughts, thoughts of ! why does my mind have this in inability to allow me some peace.???

My daughter

Youthful Glow

I watch my daughter pass me by

She hasn’t got a clue

She doesn’t see what I see

That youthful pretty glow

Life is life

It’s lived today

No care for what’s to come

The nap to ease

I’m tired today

To many battles fought
I try to see the reasons
But end up very fraught
I think I’ll take a nap now
To see if I can sleep
To see if I can sleep away
The battles yet to fight

What heaven that would be, but yet again how can we grow without being tested, and I am tested... I feel myself on a decline so must try to find the road that rises upward so as to maybe hopefully be able to glimpse a view that if it does not take my breath away can at least give me a little hope...
It’s not always easy...

The Drunken Driver

It ended all my tomorrows last night don’t you see

You took my life, my love, my world

How do I go on today

How can I do things on my own

How will I be able

How can I stand this empty space

That now stands here beside me

God this pain I cannot stand

Where will I find the strength

Your flowers standing here

Where I placed them just last night

The emptiness it’s here now, I feel it all around

Your laugh oh god it’s gone

Your smile is fading fast

Just one more drink he must have thought

Just one more won’t hurt

Just one more for the road he’d said

As he stood there at the bar

And with each sip how could he know

He was tearing lives apart

I saw you sitting there that night

Head cradled in your hands

You didn’t want to see them, try to save his life

What thoughts did play upon your mind

Were they only for your self

Or did you feel the torment of taking someone’s life

The child....

(I don't like this and I have no idea where it came from ) but it wanted to penned so I penned it !!

The noises that I hear

As I snuggle in my bed

Are insistent and I’m scared

It happens every night

My mother now is shouting

She slams the bedroom door

Uncle John is saying

He’s better rid of her

As the noises start to calm

Mother in her bed

I hear the creak upon the stairs

One breathe then two, then three

And now stood here beside me

He smiles his evil smile

Uncle John now whispers

What a good girl am i

To keep our little secret

And I softly start to cry

He wipes away my tear

As it trickles down my face

He tells me how I make him feel

So very good inside

And as he begins to stroke my hair

He slips inside my sheets

His hands now starts to trace again

The patterns as before

I close my eyes now oh so tight

To blot out all the pain

I wish my mum would wake up

I scream it in my head

I’m disappearing now

For this is how I hide

I hide away from him

Inside inside inside

And when I wake he’s gone away

My routine must be done

I have to wash away my sins

To scrub and wash me clean.

For He Had Served His Country Well

Heavy heavy is my heart

For I am all alone

Four days now I’ve waited

But silence does surround

No phone that’s rung

No door that’s knocked

The past is all I have

The memories have stopped

They cannot now move on

Waiting waiting is all I do

I watch the clock tick by

The sleep that comes

Is troubled sleep

For I am in denial

I want for this to not be true

This could not be for me

And as I sit alone in here

The people pass me by

They pass me tea whilst telling me

I must keep up my strength

But what do I need strength for

When I’m rooted to this spot

I cannot do the busy thing

I cannot here pretend

I cannot keep my chin up

As they say that I should do

And then as morning breaks

I know deep in my heart

That never will I smell again

His scent when standing close

I know that he has left me

His soul has taken flight

For wings that did once carry him

Are now broken crashed and burnt

7stone 81/2

And still i have the old fat arse :)

Ah well, so busy today, I think in part so as to not think !! why do I think so much ?? it does me no justice !!

Shopping therapy

Yep, didn't find the little black dress but did find one that will do for next sat, just got to pursued debs to wear one...
i bought jumpers dresses etc and the buzz lasted until I go home, then I dashed over to see Alicia and her new baby which was ok considering I'm not really a soppy baby person... but now I'm hungry really hungry.. . having done this before I know the symptoms and I'm starting to feel a little ill, by tomorrow morning I'll be feeling really ill.. wonder what the scales will say..
I cant settle I need to be doing things to keep my mind off Mr **** ***** I haven't heard from my friend yet so I could be spending the night in tomorrow which will be good, that way when I get home from work I can go to the gym... if I can work off this fat arse of mine I'll be a very happy person.. although no one will see it I will and as its my major pain of contention which depresses me greatly if it gets if only a little smaller what an achievement for my psychological state..
What can I do its only 4.30 !!! I need mental stimulation or physical if I'm to keep my thoughts clear..

Charlie Sheen

What a mind, could be a fly on his shoulder any time... for his mind...

Rollercoaster

When one re reads what one writes one is drawn to the highs and lows the moments of strength and those of weakness, I see that in all things I have great strength and I can attain much, but where my heart is concerned I am deeply damaged, and where my heart can be open to many and will pour with unboundless capacity for me myself that personal interaction between two people here I fail feeling ever unworthy here I doubt everything within myself no longer am I confident but disproportionately critical of me I see in myself no redeeming features, why would one want me who's faults are so many who's physical appearance can not be seen within a frame of positivity, who's intellect and who's every aspect must be seen to have so little value.
How does one move from this place ? how did I get here, is it all from me.
Are we ever helped by any energy of kindness, if so may I find that energy so it may softly and gently ease me away from such thoughts...

The Battle

One learns as we move along our paths and for me I learnt that I cannot have that emotion and be able to handle it, especially when you say it and well !!!, I went into a blind panic..
Time took on a new dimension taunting me with every passing minute, eclipsing rational thought my consciousness delved deep into my fear of being vulnerable and brought it to the surface with no concern for my well being, moments became battle fields of hours where with swords drawn i fought my opponent breathless and weary each cut was another word upon a page which in turn became another coup de main where in one wished the tyrant would masterfully wielded the dagger and  play the coup de grace thus the ending would have been upon me..
But no the field now stands empty my opponent me stands forcing myself onwards with a pretence of normality where in the vision of despair that's hidden within my eyes is masked with such expertise.. I have not the strengh required to walk this path other than alone.


One may find along its routes many temptations in the guise of wonderment longing and desire but these without strength blow away with the winds... I have no strength where emotion is concerned I will lay down and accept the dagger with grace as I am done...

Blogging

As I sit here tears stream down my face, i was rereading my blogs and now have reached the one about Paul,  I know people suffer through out the world through starvation, deprivation etc so from that perspective I have nothing to complain about, But, it doesn't stop me feeling pain and hurt and I mosty turn to these pages when I'm confused or hurting or searching, these are here the moments of my decent these are the moments of my regrets my longing of my hopes and fear, and here now my sense of being lost and confused.
I don't know how to play the game............... Just llistening to Amy Winehouse Love is  loosing hand..

The final frame love is the loosing game... How do you play the game so the odds are stacked in your favour ???

I kept my self so contained, so locked away safely, I knew only a longing for someone to unlock my heart now I know pain..... Does the word not fair have any resonance here or any place ? after all I had that moment, but that moment if it could be lived would have been sublime like soaring the skies with a freedom rarely attainable within our present state of human confinement..

If this was meant to free my heart am I strong enough to deal with its exposure to rejection again...

I hurt.. and I dont know what to do..

School

I remember when I was at school this little saying

A heart is not a play thing
A heart is not a toy
But if you want to break it
Just give it to a boy

What can I say ...

Bored

Why do I have this sense of something being amiss !! I think I know !!1 but do I have what it takes to deal with it ???

Fear

I'm afraid of being a fool again!!!
i'm afraid of being afraid to continue forward..

Texting

Why oh why does everything revolve around texting nowadays its driving me nuts, I want to have a conversation, I want people to call me, I would dearly have loved for John to have called me instead of sending the occasional mail or text, humph choice speak to me go to the pub !!! pub wins... ok I'm being harsh the poor guy doesn't owe me a call or anything really he sees me because I'm available i guess... oh bother, why do I get into such a pickle when I like a guy, got to got to get my head back on straight....

I must choose what is right for me, that's what my reading said, "whats right for me" so what is ??? what am I looking for??
Honesty, I think that this one is soo important because if we are honest  with ourselves and others we can live much healthier lives, I don't know if I want a relationship but maybe I feel that way because I feel insecure but if I feel insecure maybe that's because through my insecurity i see things as they aren't !... ok so
I don't like smoking
I don't like drinking to much
I want to be wined and dined
I want little gifts of affection
I want to sleep through the night without snoring cause by beer and cigarettes...
I'm holding back because in the past all I've done is give and give and give all the silly little love notes, the little surprises, the things that I think show that I care and in truth where has it ever gotten me, well used I say, taken for granted I'd say, what a mug I've been...
Sooo this time it has to be right because if its not it leads to heart ache down the line... I'm more than ok on my own I don't have to open up I'm safe but what would life be like If I found the right side of my being my complimentary other ???
Breathe breathe fear is but an illusion sent forth to illuminate your way forward, if I turn and run from my fear I will not be able to taste my victory at overcoming it, I choose growth....

I'm confused mucho mucho....

Damn

So thank you David for drawing my attention to the fact that yet again I fail :( you have an uncanny knack of doing this, so here it is apparently  the guy I like drinks to much which in the past has aways been a no no, he smokes which again is an even bigger no no and on our first date he let me pay for dinner !!! which equates to he doesn't want to impress me he's not that interested in proving himself as he sees me as just a passing phase !!

Ok so here I get to say I'm single, I'm in no need of a male in my life other than one who sees my worth and that's it really...

I feel really fat so 30 mins and I'll hit the gym to burn a few hundred calories whilst he smokes and drinks to excess !!! come to  think of it he paid for the pics and I paid for dinner then we went out again and I paid for dinner and drinks !! what is wrong with me .. the thing is I don't want to think this way but as David points out if a guy thinks a girl is worth pursuing that's what he does, he wines and dines her... instead its me doing the wining and dining !!!

I've been to easy, my fault of course... so I think I'll back off ... he needs to be with someone he really wants not me...

RE Reading

I write in a little book rather like conversation with god I've done this for a long time, but whats interesting is when you read back what was said previously, simple questions answered with such knowing that it could not be of my hand, and future events foretold its just so very interesting and reassuring that whilst in conversation with my higher self or what ever thing is streaming to me I can be given such insights..

I went with my friend to a meditation group, the interesting things that came up were in the guided meditation, here I was staggered at the reaction to the dark wet path we had to pass over, the imagery was as clear as day and the time was of my death, being guided down a few steps filled me with dread as I have no wish to relive those moments, we were then taken through a gate into a garden, here again I struggled as I had written a poem about walking through a garden it was of reflection at ones life another thing that at that moment I had no wish to experience, finally settling upon a bench I was approached by a most beautiful light being and another who's face was hidden from me, upon asking what I could learn I felt a most unpleasant feeling as one half of my body seemed to become deformed twisted and contorted whilst the other remained the same.
I am Gemini, I am the pendulum that swings, I am yin and yang, I am two halves seeking balance and this is my deepest need to find that peace that exists between these opposites..

I must seek the calm waters of my inner being..

The Bridesmaids

Ok watch the last ten mins, yep girl gets her guy and yep a little tear escaped ..

Blogging

This is so cool, I get to off load my problems and feel much better... Suppose I should finish watching the fim again ! be rather glad when its over, It s that bad...

Wine

I'm having a wine free weekend !! I think :) I'm having an information overload time again hence my sudden relapse into blogging, old faithful, where would I be without my on line self counselling channel...

where does time go, I'm so frustrated there is never ever enough time to fit everything in and I cant let go off anything to find more time !!! there simply needs to be two of me :) ahhh but I'm Gemini so there are two, maybe the knack is to stop these two sides of my nature from clashing there fore appropriating a little time from the crazy thought world these two seem to create..

Maybe hey.........

Safety

And what of courage do I have it in abundance, I think so but still persists this fear...

And what of pastures new

Abundant in their bounty

Does one trust what’s yet unknown

Does one trust again

The deeply warming sun

That here does warm the fields

Does one pause

And check about

To see if it is safe

Or is there lurking somewhere

A threat that’s out of sight

The Ring

I found a ring just recently
A golden wedding ring
I know not how it came
To rest upon my floor
It sits now in my jewellery box
But sometimes moves around
I found it in the fire place once
That ring it does confound
Why did it come here to reside
Why did it come to me
But when I hold this little ring
It whispers deep inside
It says that it’s the truth
Though I don’t quite understand
What truth does it speak of
Of this I’m yet to find

This came to me and it’s taken until now four yrs later to understand it......... 

It’s really weird the way things happen, sometimes I get these thoughts or words and I have to put them down on paper they just seem to come in streams. sometimes I'm given such moments of clarity it takes my breath away, tears prick my eyes and my heart is opened in ways I thought not possible..

Maybe

Maybe when we let a part of ourselves go or let it die new beginnings will be formed, maybe better and stronger, maybe its just finding the strength to let go. there must be some reason all these  strange little thoughts or words that pop into my head, maybe there guiding me, maybe when there written down huridly they are meant to be understood later, maybe !

The Fallen Tree

Such beauty in its majesty
This twisted broken tree
Who branches now do rest
Upon the grassy bank
It sleeps a silent sleep
In beautiful repose

But nature sees the plenty
In resting here in peace
For within this fallen tree
New life has now begun
And in the seeming decay
Her soul is fed to feed

Seek and Listen

I’ll send you little messages

Whispered on the winds

 I tell you how I love you

And how I’ll always care

I’ll tell you that I’m here for you

Just ask and you will see

For my love I’ll send to you

On angles wings that bear

The tiding of my joy and

My blessing for to share

There are moments of peace

My Garden

Upon my Buddha rests
A fetched butterfly
And near within flowers
A bee does dart about
The sun whose rays do stream
Through Acer bright to show
The colours of its leaves
And with a gentle breeze
A sweet peas scent does tease
The senses that are heightened
Within my English garden

We meet sometimes someone who offers us the gift of a peaceful soul and in this meeting we see the light...... and within this light such warmth is felt..

What does one do ???

What does one do, I think I'd like to be able to trust again, the things I am being given through word and thought is that if I give unreservedly I will find happiness not necessarily in any given way but that my soul or spirit or whatever you want to call it will shine a little brighter eclipsing to some small degree this annoying voice in my head that is constant in its criticism of my worthiness..
I judge myself so harshly when I think about it and I'm fearful of so many things, I create a safe haven for myself within a world that I create but this world is at the mercy of the ever present road that I walk upon, never I think will I be able to take port away from the storm as it is the constant buffeting that is shaping me...

 To what end I ask...

Growth Growth Growth

yep that’s my aim in life, I do above all things want to grow  in a spiritual context and things keep happening to me to allow this to happen, but each time its rather like pulling my own teeth out there is always some element of pain involved.
I've been looking at astrology recently and seeing that other than the usual weekly horoscope there is actually so much depth and truth within this science if that’s the right word for it, at least that’s how it seems to me as the whole process seems very complicated and mathematical which of course blows my tiny mind :)
I am Gemini I was getting ready to go out yesterday not anywhere of great interest but my god the duality was soo soo evident I was happy to be going out with my daughter but at the same time miserable beyond belief I feel constantly dragged between emotional opposites I battle constantly with these things, I never feel good enough, I feel unworthy most of the time and I try to get my life in line with where I believe I should be but ever finding that I am catapulted into the opposite, that’s the word! opposite! the constant pendulum that swings for me, never tiring in its movement ever persistent in its endeavour to take me on roads I fear to tread knowing ever that upon these roads there will be no smooth path, that I will be forced to forge a stream then a river whose currents are beyond measure, a river that will try to undermine my stance within its forceful presence. My life is this road of steep inclines and harrowing descents of uneven surfaces where at any moment ones footing may be lost plummeting one over the edge into the deepest of ravens, but upon this journey there is no escape it is my road the one that I have chosen to journey upon, the one that upon its treacherous paths can at points be seen the most magical awe inspiring vistas where in one draws breathe and is given strength to yet again gather up ones troublesome ego and walk in search of relief knowing that this is yet but a moment upon the ultimate journey....

Interesting times

I was out Thursday evening with my friend Debbie who I have a growing respect for, i think she's amazing, anyway after two gasses of wine I've relaxed, and after an evening that's been a about deep and meaningful conversations she beckons to a guy that had been out side all evening with his friends as he approached to sit down, which he promptly did, she then left yep she left me alone with this guy! suffice to say we chatted for some time and he seemed very sweet, I got the gist of his life, going through a divorce, two very young kids ! Oh he smokes a no no in my books.
Well I was out sat night and he came into the pub and we spent another evening talking and have arranged to meet up again on Monday.. 
Gym, dog walking and DIY are the theme for today and may be out tonight with Jo from work ::)

Life is being great to me x

Dunno what to do

Do I buy a new house or project ?
Do I extend the one I'm in ?
Do I go on holiday ?
Do I consider dating ? ( tough one as I'm never asked out but ) ?
Do I carry on as I am

I'm so not happy when I'm not achieving a goal of some sort.......

Great to see everyone today at lunch :)
I'm mega busy but I'm so bored what's going on ? According to my reading I'll be swept of my feet in October that'll be a year on my own again, better happen cos I think its whats missing ....

Busy Busy Busy

I managed to start our dinner club with a huge number turning out all four of us that is, which in truth was great because it was only meant to be a small group sharing our love of esoteric learning, I'm booking us a trip to the local observatory next month which should be good hopefully there will be a load more of us going then ..
I attended a really good evening talk done by an astronomer Steve Judd wicked stuff but it means I'll now have to get my chart done curiosity and all that.. I need more money, I'm out to lunch tomorrow out to dinner Thursday and then on Saturday, I've got the gym tonight plus walking the dog, I need a holiday but I can afford one with the DIY I have programmed in over the next few months...
My friend has decided I need to be set up with someone !!! not sure I have the time!! I'm fairly safe though I've been out all the time and very single and not one person has approached me Ummm wonder why ?? Ah well.... actually Debs has been single for the same amount of time as me and she is always being asked out !!! Humph... Whats wrong with me ????
Oh I've decided I'm seriously depressed....... Why oh Why cant I find a pair of jeans that don't  make my arse look the size of an elephants, I must have tried on about 15 pairs the other day, at first I was catapulted into despair as pair after pair seemed so unbelievably tight, I was thinking I had finally succumbed to middle aged spread all of course accumulated on my rear end ! but when I returned to the rail I realised I had been trying on size 6 phew... although I used to wear that size not long ago when i was fit... :(

Oh I've become Vegan, which is not so bad as I thought it would be, I can eat loads and the upside is very little junk food :) I can still eat ginger nut biscuits :) and pop corn and ice cream (vegan) and chocolate etc..

I need a coffee ... gym and all that :)

Taking a breathe

I have fought the current stood my ground and advanced, 

I draw breathe now surrounded by natures abundance,

the water calm stands warm against my legs,

a rock dry from the suns rays is where I rest

for here I sit and contemplate...

I wait for whats to come..

Well it seems I've taken rather a long one...  In truth I've been so busy I havent had time to draw breath..
Maybe I can now .....

Debt

Would have reached target of no debt this month but a new drill and a few trips to DIY stores meant a couple hundred of pounds and then a trip to All Saints and I was doomed, ah well only 300 to go :)...

Going to a BBuddhist Meditation Centre on Thursday night, I'm really struggling with the should I be  a passive protester to all I disagree with or should I stick with my rebellious nature ??? I'm also deciding on becoming a Vegan after a conversation on two separate occasions where I could see that no matter what I said people don't actually care about the suffering of animals to suit there needs be it meat or the testing on animals for medical research or for beauty products. I guess the way I see it is if I become vegan then I'm making up for their don't care attitude...

What I need is someone to prepare my meals because my abilities are somewhat limited in the kitchen, the whole cooking thing so does not work for me :(

Yurt's Ville

Well an interesting side splitting evening, having taken public transport something I haven't done in a considerable number of years i met up with my daughter in a pub in town that was reportedly hosting a Spanish guitarist for the evening (we found him later as we were leaving) and after only one glass of wine i was happy and proceeded to tell of my yurt searching endeavors at work this due to boredom and no project in  my life, i had also toyed with veganism, animals right activism and Buddhism, I had no idea how popular my simple yurt in a field living with nature would become, this was after mentioning that I had come across a bus full of Jewish military men in Poland that were  the most stunning creatures I had ever seen, anyway my yurt idea seemed to take on a whole new life with not only me living there for the occasional weekend but also my daughter my friend Debbie and Lara's friend who generously offered her services as a doctor to the newly emerging commune part of which seemed to have found many new and adventuress bus loads of Israeli men :) hey I was going with it, Beth a nice young newly qualified doctor was to issue prescriptions for Viagra for these apparently to be over worked young men !! hey still going with it, the yurts had now not only grown in size ! but in quantity my having purchased a number of fields each seemingly with its own lets say agenda ! we had now developed a whole tv series yurt senders, yurts street, and many more including yurtsonbury which was to be a new festival site.. with each new turn came more laughter :) was a good night.. must do again... soon.... oh and we now have acquired several surfers and a few fat men to test out new drug concoctions on....leave that to Beth and Lara.... What are we like !! and for some reason we now have a pole dancing yurt and you guessed it its the men that are doing the dancing !! not so sure how that works but hey what the hell I'll watch.....

Dinner

The second of our Aecom monthly dinner night out tonight, I need more time.... after walking he dog I had no time to run of to get to the gym, I need these things....

God I feel like a heifer tonight...

Scary

Kinda wasnt expecting to issue forth a mega girly scream tonight, poor poppy was on my lap at the time not only was I propelled upright rather like the exorcist but so was she, case 39 I think the film was called, there were bees coming out of all manor of orifices and burning people and forks in eyes seriously gross.. should have cottoned onto it being a horror really with the scary looking child, der...

Ah well no sleep tonight then...

Went for a run, hard work, must look into why, maybe diet related although with all the sugar i ingest you'd think I could go on like one of those Duracell battery bunnies on and on and on...

Debt

Nearly there, one more month to go and I'll be totally debt free again, having said that after Friday I'll only owe 150 pounds which in the scheme of things isn't that much, next though is some more house improments ! Got to deal with builders again ! joy !

I'm hungry but am loathed to feed this fat arse of mine, it seems to demand that all sugar content of foods eaten should be stored here and only here with some over flow being allowed on my legs.. Ok I have totally got to stop my sugar cravings, I want it with everything....

Dinner Date

Just thought I'd start a dinner date club with some friends who are into the same kinds of things I am, be nice to meet new people to exchange info with etc, hopefully it will come together, and I really hope my friend Jane comes along she is like the font of all knowledge :)  usually another group of us meet at her house so with a little luck I'll be able to persuade them to come along as well..
Its just to easy to become entrenched in the usual day to day living, I know, go to work, go to the gym, run the dog around the fields (summer), go to bed, out for dinner one night a week, out another night doing whatever, plus the once a month Aecom night out...
So I've signed up for meditation classes in Sept, going to check out the local Buddhist Centre prob next Monday and I really fancy going on one of those ghost hunting night things might look into this if this group takes off ...
Am considering going to stay with The Universal White Brotherhood only prob is they get up at the most crazy hours in the morning !! Not good !! maybe though I should step beyond my comfort zone... http://www.dovesnest.org/index.html will think about it... it must be said though I would prefer a week away in the sun shine...

Kabbalah

The vast majority of marriages, relationships, and partnerships are based upon need, not love, which explains why they are so chaotic.
The key to a fulfilling, passionate connection is to share unconditionally, to resist all forms of receiving.
Is this realistic?  Maybe not today.  But every time you resist receiving and you share instead, your act of resistance causes light to shine in the relationship, making it easier to do next time around

So that'll be no more Chanel at Xmas then :( but that makes me sad !! is that wrong after all I can buy my own but its so nice when someone wants to make you happy by giving it to you as  gift..

omg I feel so ill, temp is soaring....

Chocolate Again

I'm sure this is a sign that I'm in need of something stimulating in my life, after all chocolate is the next best thing, trouble is I'm craving it all day, thank god there's non in the house I could be in real trouble, calorie loading to the extent I seem to need it would be Well to be honest rather good for the figure...

I'm so bored again, live in the moment its said, its the journey that's important so ok I'll stop complaining, maybe I should think of something profound to put down here but given the only thing I have to work with up top is the size of a baked bean being a pea I don't stand much of a chance do I..

Can you imagine being able to create with the written word such classics as have been written by the greats, Shakespeare the depth of his work such insight and such beauty, where do these gifts come from ?? if all knowledge exists as it must can we therefore tap into it given the right attunement.

And if so how ?? I would love to be able to write well instead of what's seen here that at best is the mear ramblings of an intellect that has no real substance, frustrating but true..

I feel really ill, chuckupity kinda ill....not good...

Romance, and a" by the way"..

Northanger Abbey, Jane Austen surely knew her heart and what we woman seek, not the directness of the cad who's aim is self gratification but the allure of things unspoken, not through lusty thoughts and deeds but by the play of the word upon the mind, attraction is after all only part of the play without the script there is no substance and for those with inquiring minds there can be no joy and so precludes any advancement for come the interlude the seat will be found empty where once there sat one waiting in anticipation of the final curtain.

I have found that a fire will burn more brightly and create more warmth when tended with attention for if it is hastily lite often it will be found to be inadequate.

I have a wood burner and when one wants to dampen the flames one simply restricts the air flow I find the same is true of the spoken word  such things as crudities are for me rather like the cessation of air to my flame...

Not Seeing

Not seeing what we've had or what we've experienced in a light that gives everything the recognition it deserves doesn't serve us well..

Strange

Having listened to my reading of several yrs ago and having Paul come back into my life, yes, strange indeed.:)

I do on occasion talk to those that aren't here anymore! anyway after blubbing somewhat after listening to the tape I got my stuff together and went to the gym where in whilst staring into middle space I realised I was constantly rubbing my finger with my thumb( the one you put those rings on, the one that say you do !) at this point I could feel Paul chuckling that he was my husband in spirit, not sure how that stands but he did make me laugh ,inwardly of course would look a tad strange on a tread mill laughing at seemingly nothing.

Serendipity, love that word has to be amongst my most fav that's 4 sure, but anyway that's what brought me to listening to the tape again and to getting my kick up the arse and chastisement as to my having allowed myself to act like an absolute arse, of all things to excel in why of why does it have to be this..

So where from here then, at my latest reading i was told I had the teaching square !! ok been told this many times before but what does one teach ! I have no idea, or to go back and study, but what, I'd wanted to go into law to be a Barrister but life has its ways of changing things, my life simply went down a different path, kids, mortgage and school fees etc have a way of taking up your time especially when your on your own with no help.. But hey I'm a strong independent cookie cos of it all, but, and isn't there always one....

So what do I do now I'm very unsatisfied and not entirely sure I have the balls to make the changes, something has to change though that's for sure, cos I'm wasting my life right now...

He loves me

I've just listened to a tape I had done many years ago after my brother died, Paul came through as my brother wasn't that strong having only just passed and god I'd forgotten how empty everything was without him for so so long,  I know he never left my side after he'd gone cos I felt him but listening to this tape the memories flood back, he said he loved me and always will, how could I get so absorbed by the mundane and forget that this man is always here for me, I will see him again I know this but its so hard to loose someone so wonderful, hold the happy times he says (more tears).

(Both Paul and my brothers last moments were similar, I'd never realised death could be so so awful I think I watched to many movies where they just drift off, they don't trust me they don't, death can be the most awful thing to watch as someone struggles for every breathe the noise and the pain its just to awful for words..)

Maybe this recent reading I had was so I could listen to this one again, so I could remember or allow myself to because most of the time I can think about my brother, and Paul well so many regrets, I think that's when my heart was torn out, you placed a tiara on my head and told me I was your princess and I miss you I've pushed you away for so long because I couldn't cope or understand but when all's said and done I know our energy will unit at some point and I will have come home...Come back and take care of me again, guide me, and help me, open the doors for me so I can go through them again....I've been so sad for so long and I didn't even realise it.... Even if no one ever sees in me what you did at least you did and  you were the best of the best....

I love you all up there, Paul, Pete, John, you all got taken to to young but my god did you guys live life to the full xx

Alone

Nothing worse than being alone at night, the dog looks at your bedroom door and it sounds like someone's out there, damn now I have to go look and its scary, been here before last time there was two men in the house...
Oh dear, I know its not the kids cos lol's away and Ben is out, this is nuts there's no way your gunna get two murders in the same post code in the same week..

Its just the house creaking.......... think I need a bigger dog....

ok going to go look, get another glass of wine at the same time...

Dreams

My dreams speak to me, trouble is often I don't know how to interpret them, well last nights was really easy, after a busy night doing I cant remember what I suddenly found myself driving down a very tree lined winding duel carriage way, I was in the slow lane oblivious to the what was around the corner when blasting around this corner in what would have been his slow lane but my fast was a large silver car followed in quick succession by a small sports car !! now given they were on my side of the duel carriage way and given the road was very winding you can imagine my fear of driving around the next corner for there could have been someone speeding in the fast lane my slow one !!  (This fear woke me up, very early)

Real easy I've had two relationships in my life and according to my hand I have another to come two have past rather like the cars in my dream and now given the shocks to the system I had under gone with them the thought of going around the next corner and possible facing a head on crash fills me with fear !

I'm scared, deep down I'm just scared, but it is deep because if I were asked out I would go yes with a few nervous moments but you would never know it and who knows what would happen from there but again deep down I would be scared, I've been alone for so long I've had to take care of everything on my own for so long and I've had to fight many a battle along the way on my own when does one start to trust again ?

And this is interesting whilst in the reading I was told to choose what was right for me, I could be right for them but they weren't necessarily right for me which was born out by them driving the wrong way on my side of the road.

question... how do I drive around the next blind corner and in which lane ???