Yurt's Ville

Well an interesting side splitting evening, having taken public transport something I haven't done in a considerable number of years i met up with my daughter in a pub in town that was reportedly hosting a Spanish guitarist for the evening (we found him later as we were leaving) and after only one glass of wine i was happy and proceeded to tell of my yurt searching endeavors at work this due to boredom and no project in  my life, i had also toyed with veganism, animals right activism and Buddhism, I had no idea how popular my simple yurt in a field living with nature would become, this was after mentioning that I had come across a bus full of Jewish military men in Poland that were  the most stunning creatures I had ever seen, anyway my yurt idea seemed to take on a whole new life with not only me living there for the occasional weekend but also my daughter my friend Debbie and Lara's friend who generously offered her services as a doctor to the newly emerging commune part of which seemed to have found many new and adventuress bus loads of Israeli men :) hey I was going with it, Beth a nice young newly qualified doctor was to issue prescriptions for Viagra for these apparently to be over worked young men !! hey still going with it, the yurts had now not only grown in size ! but in quantity my having purchased a number of fields each seemingly with its own lets say agenda ! we had now developed a whole tv series yurt senders, yurts street, and many more including yurtsonbury which was to be a new festival site.. with each new turn came more laughter :) was a good night.. must do again... soon.... oh and we now have acquired several surfers and a few fat men to test out new drug concoctions on....leave that to Beth and Lara.... What are we like !! and for some reason we now have a pole dancing yurt and you guessed it its the men that are doing the dancing !! not so sure how that works but hey what the hell I'll watch.....

Dinner

The second of our Aecom monthly dinner night out tonight, I need more time.... after walking he dog I had no time to run of to get to the gym, I need these things....

God I feel like a heifer tonight...

Scary

Kinda wasnt expecting to issue forth a mega girly scream tonight, poor poppy was on my lap at the time not only was I propelled upright rather like the exorcist but so was she, case 39 I think the film was called, there were bees coming out of all manor of orifices and burning people and forks in eyes seriously gross.. should have cottoned onto it being a horror really with the scary looking child, der...

Ah well no sleep tonight then...

Went for a run, hard work, must look into why, maybe diet related although with all the sugar i ingest you'd think I could go on like one of those Duracell battery bunnies on and on and on...

Debt

Nearly there, one more month to go and I'll be totally debt free again, having said that after Friday I'll only owe 150 pounds which in the scheme of things isn't that much, next though is some more house improments ! Got to deal with builders again ! joy !

I'm hungry but am loathed to feed this fat arse of mine, it seems to demand that all sugar content of foods eaten should be stored here and only here with some over flow being allowed on my legs.. Ok I have totally got to stop my sugar cravings, I want it with everything....

Dinner Date

Just thought I'd start a dinner date club with some friends who are into the same kinds of things I am, be nice to meet new people to exchange info with etc, hopefully it will come together, and I really hope my friend Jane comes along she is like the font of all knowledge :)  usually another group of us meet at her house so with a little luck I'll be able to persuade them to come along as well..
Its just to easy to become entrenched in the usual day to day living, I know, go to work, go to the gym, run the dog around the fields (summer), go to bed, out for dinner one night a week, out another night doing whatever, plus the once a month Aecom night out...
So I've signed up for meditation classes in Sept, going to check out the local Buddhist Centre prob next Monday and I really fancy going on one of those ghost hunting night things might look into this if this group takes off ...
Am considering going to stay with The Universal White Brotherhood only prob is they get up at the most crazy hours in the morning !! Not good !! maybe though I should step beyond my comfort zone... http://www.dovesnest.org/index.html will think about it... it must be said though I would prefer a week away in the sun shine...

Kabbalah

The vast majority of marriages, relationships, and partnerships are based upon need, not love, which explains why they are so chaotic.
The key to a fulfilling, passionate connection is to share unconditionally, to resist all forms of receiving.
Is this realistic?  Maybe not today.  But every time you resist receiving and you share instead, your act of resistance causes light to shine in the relationship, making it easier to do next time around

So that'll be no more Chanel at Xmas then :( but that makes me sad !! is that wrong after all I can buy my own but its so nice when someone wants to make you happy by giving it to you as  gift..

omg I feel so ill, temp is soaring....

Chocolate Again

I'm sure this is a sign that I'm in need of something stimulating in my life, after all chocolate is the next best thing, trouble is I'm craving it all day, thank god there's non in the house I could be in real trouble, calorie loading to the extent I seem to need it would be Well to be honest rather good for the figure...

I'm so bored again, live in the moment its said, its the journey that's important so ok I'll stop complaining, maybe I should think of something profound to put down here but given the only thing I have to work with up top is the size of a baked bean being a pea I don't stand much of a chance do I..

Can you imagine being able to create with the written word such classics as have been written by the greats, Shakespeare the depth of his work such insight and such beauty, where do these gifts come from ?? if all knowledge exists as it must can we therefore tap into it given the right attunement.

And if so how ?? I would love to be able to write well instead of what's seen here that at best is the mear ramblings of an intellect that has no real substance, frustrating but true..

I feel really ill, chuckupity kinda ill....not good...

Romance, and a" by the way"..

Northanger Abbey, Jane Austen surely knew her heart and what we woman seek, not the directness of the cad who's aim is self gratification but the allure of things unspoken, not through lusty thoughts and deeds but by the play of the word upon the mind, attraction is after all only part of the play without the script there is no substance and for those with inquiring minds there can be no joy and so precludes any advancement for come the interlude the seat will be found empty where once there sat one waiting in anticipation of the final curtain.

I have found that a fire will burn more brightly and create more warmth when tended with attention for if it is hastily lite often it will be found to be inadequate.

I have a wood burner and when one wants to dampen the flames one simply restricts the air flow I find the same is true of the spoken word  such things as crudities are for me rather like the cessation of air to my flame...

Not Seeing

Not seeing what we've had or what we've experienced in a light that gives everything the recognition it deserves doesn't serve us well..

Strange

Having listened to my reading of several yrs ago and having Paul come back into my life, yes, strange indeed.:)

I do on occasion talk to those that aren't here anymore! anyway after blubbing somewhat after listening to the tape I got my stuff together and went to the gym where in whilst staring into middle space I realised I was constantly rubbing my finger with my thumb( the one you put those rings on, the one that say you do !) at this point I could feel Paul chuckling that he was my husband in spirit, not sure how that stands but he did make me laugh ,inwardly of course would look a tad strange on a tread mill laughing at seemingly nothing.

Serendipity, love that word has to be amongst my most fav that's 4 sure, but anyway that's what brought me to listening to the tape again and to getting my kick up the arse and chastisement as to my having allowed myself to act like an absolute arse, of all things to excel in why of why does it have to be this..

So where from here then, at my latest reading i was told I had the teaching square !! ok been told this many times before but what does one teach ! I have no idea, or to go back and study, but what, I'd wanted to go into law to be a Barrister but life has its ways of changing things, my life simply went down a different path, kids, mortgage and school fees etc have a way of taking up your time especially when your on your own with no help.. But hey I'm a strong independent cookie cos of it all, but, and isn't there always one....

So what do I do now I'm very unsatisfied and not entirely sure I have the balls to make the changes, something has to change though that's for sure, cos I'm wasting my life right now...

He loves me

I've just listened to a tape I had done many years ago after my brother died, Paul came through as my brother wasn't that strong having only just passed and god I'd forgotten how empty everything was without him for so so long,  I know he never left my side after he'd gone cos I felt him but listening to this tape the memories flood back, he said he loved me and always will, how could I get so absorbed by the mundane and forget that this man is always here for me, I will see him again I know this but its so hard to loose someone so wonderful, hold the happy times he says (more tears).

(Both Paul and my brothers last moments were similar, I'd never realised death could be so so awful I think I watched to many movies where they just drift off, they don't trust me they don't, death can be the most awful thing to watch as someone struggles for every breathe the noise and the pain its just to awful for words..)

Maybe this recent reading I had was so I could listen to this one again, so I could remember or allow myself to because most of the time I can think about my brother, and Paul well so many regrets, I think that's when my heart was torn out, you placed a tiara on my head and told me I was your princess and I miss you I've pushed you away for so long because I couldn't cope or understand but when all's said and done I know our energy will unit at some point and I will have come home...Come back and take care of me again, guide me, and help me, open the doors for me so I can go through them again....I've been so sad for so long and I didn't even realise it.... Even if no one ever sees in me what you did at least you did and  you were the best of the best....

I love you all up there, Paul, Pete, John, you all got taken to to young but my god did you guys live life to the full xx

Alone

Nothing worse than being alone at night, the dog looks at your bedroom door and it sounds like someone's out there, damn now I have to go look and its scary, been here before last time there was two men in the house...
Oh dear, I know its not the kids cos lol's away and Ben is out, this is nuts there's no way your gunna get two murders in the same post code in the same week..

Its just the house creaking.......... think I need a bigger dog....

ok going to go look, get another glass of wine at the same time...

Dreams

My dreams speak to me, trouble is often I don't know how to interpret them, well last nights was really easy, after a busy night doing I cant remember what I suddenly found myself driving down a very tree lined winding duel carriage way, I was in the slow lane oblivious to the what was around the corner when blasting around this corner in what would have been his slow lane but my fast was a large silver car followed in quick succession by a small sports car !! now given they were on my side of the duel carriage way and given the road was very winding you can imagine my fear of driving around the next corner for there could have been someone speeding in the fast lane my slow one !!  (This fear woke me up, very early)

Real easy I've had two relationships in my life and according to my hand I have another to come two have past rather like the cars in my dream and now given the shocks to the system I had under gone with them the thought of going around the next corner and possible facing a head on crash fills me with fear !

I'm scared, deep down I'm just scared, but it is deep because if I were asked out I would go yes with a few nervous moments but you would never know it and who knows what would happen from there but again deep down I would be scared, I've been alone for so long I've had to take care of everything on my own for so long and I've had to fight many a battle along the way on my own when does one start to trust again ?

And this is interesting whilst in the reading I was told to choose what was right for me, I could be right for them but they weren't necessarily right for me which was born out by them driving the wrong way on my side of the road.

question... how do I drive around the next blind corner and in which lane ???

Strong

Wow, David you are an awesome songwriter, just listened to Strong such powerful lyrics... Send me the one the made me cry please :) wont cry this time as I'm not grieving the control freak stalker guy anymore... But hey may just cry anyway cos you are amazing at reaching deep into ones soul with your words...


oops 7.42 got to go get fit :)

Humph

Trying to persuade myself to go to the gym, had  a coffee and have at hand an energy drink which at the moment of consumption equates to a commitment to go or I'd be climbing the walls, Technology is driving me nuts, both my laps tops needed new batteries which I got, then my main ones battery charger died so I had to get another one, so now this one is ok bar the mouse bit is a pain and doesn't work half the time so I've had to plug in a mouse and the other has some doggy software that means it runs like a dog...

Ah well where would I be without them, I'd have to use one of the kids mac's and I don't like those.... So not to complain is a good idea....

Old Post

"For as moonlight is a reflection of the solar rays, so is every man's environment the reflection or mirror of his thoughts. "

I've been thinking about this one, its depth are penetrating, one's environment is a reflection of one’s thoughts !!! So as I know one must change ones thoughts in order to attain that which brings about ones hopes and dreams, Ahhh dreams what a wonder they are, journeys, adventures, nights of passion, worlds apart..

The Statue

So serene in dreamless

Wonderment her gaze

Does look beyond

Through veils of worlds

Just out of sight

So here does lie

Our wonderment

At dreams we dream about...

Not sure it makes sense but there’s a statue in the Lost Gardens of Heligan that looks as though it sees beyond that which we see...

I’d like to glance through the veil to where my dreams lie.........

At Night

Why do I never listen to my little voice, I think my mind has far to much sway over me, I must endeavour to keep it in check :) let my soul do some speaking, how sublime would that be...

The Little Voice

This little voice inside

That’s speaks its gentle truth

This little voice inside that

Guides you on your way

This little voice that speaks

For those who want to hear

This little voice inside

That never ever tires

It never tires of telling you

That life has got its ways

Of guiding you the right way

Even through the tears

So when at night and silence

Settles all around

Just take a little moment

To listen to your voice

Politics

Wow third attempt, this seems to not want to be written, so I'll do a summarized version, they are for the most part self centred, self absorbed swamp dwellers, that have no idea what the real world is really about.

I don't even want to think about them which must be why I haven't allowed them to take form within this blog, far to many thoughts all of which are deeply unsettling and depressing, so best not linger here...

Happy Smiley thoughts...

Chocolate Again

I feel this compulsion to eat chocolate, think maybe its this bloody awful weather, why why why does it rain all the time.....

Boredom

I'm soo bored, done all my work, been shopping on line now what ??? I think the little pea that rattles around in my head has lapsed into a pea coma lacking the will to exist on a plane of such inactivity, poor little thing needs some stimulation, ok, get it together and utilise this time, be constructive !! I think I'll research Hermes :) interesting dude for sure...
Going to a talk on Transformational Magic tonight :) might see how to change a frog into a prince as I have a number of those little green guys in my garden, you see there I go again !! Grrrrr must stop focusing, I was fine before Mondays mail, well I was getting there...

And thus

Wow this paper I'm reading is yet again reaffirming my need to learn to absorb information in all guises to learn and to grow...

Animal Aid

Many Charities use animals to experiment on, please look on this site to see which one dont..

www.animalaid.org.uk

The Lambs

The Field

Oh look how sweet I say

As I walk my children by

The little lambs do play here

For all who look to see

Such joy of life such innocence

Such frolic and such play

We pass by

We pass by

Where are all the lambs mum

My children start to say

But do I tell the truth to them

Do I tell them why

Do I tell them why

The lambs no longer play

Do I tell them why

The field now empty stands

Do I say to them

The cruel and bitter truth

Do I tell them why ?

The Place

I don’t want to go in there

There’s something very wrong

You know that sense you get

That shivers up your spine

This cold and clammy feeling

I just don’t understand

There’s something very wrong here

I’m feeling very scared

I want to run away

But I’m trapped I cannot move

What is this place

What is this smell

There’s a taste within the air

Where are they taking us one by one

Where are they taking us

I just don’t understand

I thought my life was blessed here

All I did was play

What did I do wrong

Why must I pay

The smell I know is death now

It hangs within the air

The soft and gentle bleating

Replaced with just despair

I don’t want to die here

Not in the awful place

I just want to go home

Please take me away from this….

 

The Dinner

The special for the day sir

Is succulent just killed lamb

We took it from its mother

From its frolic and its play

We took it from a life of joy

A life of happiness

We sent it to a place of fear

So terrified it died

The last thoughts on its mind where

Oh god no please not me

And now with greatest pleasure

Slaughtered just for you

A succulent fresh killed lamb sir

His name was Barnaby….

Interesting

Ok let see its pouring with rain out side and its summer !!! so miserable...

Yesterday I decided to go out to the moors to see a band that my daughters friend was playing in, there were various bands due to play all day and whilst Emma was amazing with a very strong voice the others that I heard didn't quite measure up, for some strange reason the one glass of wine went direct to my pea size brain which maybe helped for a short while but I used prudence and my second glass was water, my friend on the other hand knocked back a few more glasses of wine... The last straw was having to listen to violin music that when on for an hour the worst of which was the fact that it sounded like it could be used as a means of torture trust me after an hour the hypothetical gun had been fired into our skulls on more that a dozen occasions..

This morning I got in to find a mail from Mr London ! was very surprised very very in fact as I had thought he was winging his ways to Mongolia but no that's this weekend coming..

I'm sure he was being polite although not sure what he meant by "Be Good" ! maybe its some kind of American thing...

I want chocolate.....

Men

Why one asks !!! why do they take up so much thought time, I mean I was with a group of intelligent women last night all of which like me are single, and as ever the topic of conversation turned to the male of the species, we discussed where one of the group could go to meet a man but to be honest its not that easy, we muled over situations that would bring her in to contact with someone but again its not that easy if you don't want to go onto dating sites, we thought of dance classes maybe tango! we thought of night classes, the gym, all kinds of things, but these all involve making an effort to get out but I think people are so tired nowadays maybe a little jaded to boot ... 

I bumped into a friend that I haven't seen for many years yesterday which was nice but again another example of how the male seems to permeate our everything, now given I haven't seen her for years as I said, within 30 mins of chatting I had discovered nothing other than the disappointments she had experienced with men!! This isn't a judgement just an observation..

What ever happened in the reading I had last week I know feel more at peace with my single status, don't get me wrong I love it, I'm busy all the time I do what I want when I want, life couldn't really be better (apart from some more dosh) but as with most I am a captive of this desire need or socially manufactured need to be with someone, even though my experiences with unhappiness have always been related to a man..

Its raining again and I'm going up onto the moors today, my daughters friends playing with her band at a fayre so it'll be scrumpy and veggie burgers and umbrellas, I fuzz :( what I wouldn't do for naturally straight hair...

Slow Day

Slow old day at the office, not many viewings today so I'm bored bored bored...

Have to watch the world go by, oh and now its raining .... again....

Still got his awful headache....

Crazy Dreams

Yep, and wow, dashing from what seemed to be ancient china or some such place to a high street bank where people were holding up after what I think must have been a dirty bomb going of or something similar, most unpleasant but watching people react was interesting, I mean given what has just happen why within the shortest period of time are people become rather anamilistic....

Work now and I don't feel like it, think I need someone to flirt with me a bit its amazing what an energy boost you get :)  silly really.. But for some reason it works...

Ah well lets see what today will bring, maybe a new house on the market like the one last Saturday, shame they bought it cos I was def going to go for it even tidied the hse from top to bottom in case I had to put it on the market, oh well, it served a purpose thought as I spent all Sunday doing sums and brushing up my project management skills, I really love doing builds its so much fun, stressful but fun... But as the reading said I have to chill for a while longer..

Meditation

God I miss Steve's ability, he was the best of the best in regards to taking me on the most amazing meditations... I've never found anyone like him since, if you read this please please a tape would make my life amazing... I think about all the things I could uncover whilst under his hypnotic influence...

Instead tonight I'll do my usual Drunvelo Malchizedek " A meditation into the sacred space of the heart"... I do end up in a strange place within this meditation but its not as amazing as where I went with Steve's...

My head is still killing me, and I have work tomorrow :( followed by my "Howling at the moon" (that's what the kids call it) evening..

Free Energy

How is that achieved ? I dreamt it once it has a name that escapes me for the moment but its very real, the word magician is important..

Cold fusion....

I'm so tired and why does my brain feel like its expanding beyond the capsity of my skull, bad bad headache, is it the chem trails ........... :) ouch

And here's a weird one, I left my body once, hovered above mysef momentarily until scared I dropped back down... Ive seen passed lives and have left the planet as well, yep very probably mad hey :) Oh and I saw the japan thing happen before it did and a plane crash before it did, how weird hey..

And once scary stuff I saw a dial with many number upon it, those numbers went to zero and started to climb again very very slowly, maybe we need to address what we are doing here because that dream if a portent was making a very scary statement...

Should meditate more thats when this stuff comes in, Steve you brought it out I need a tape of your voice man x please....

Morality

Whilst I was having my reading I was asked if I knew anyone called Elizabeth or Liz well yes  I do, I was asked to give her a message to calm down, now how do you tell a woman with three men to calm down you 'd think lack of energy would do that !! But no, what a life that girl leads, I met her at Aecom where she was working as a temp, she'd left her husband after running of with the delivery man ! but after returning to her husband things were never the same, so after some while she got herself a man from Elicit Encounters ! yep a nice married man, which of course he's not anymore but hey ho, the guy has no idea that she's slept with so many men behind his back including his best friend in his flat whilst he was asleep, she also slept with my boss, kissed Dan my sons friend and is now sleeping with the lead singer of this band a thin lizzy tribute thing, the mad thing is her husband gives her cover stories so she can see other men behind her boyfriend's back... Makes one wonder hey.. and I'm supposed to tell her to calm, and give her some home truths, what do I say, you know that house you pretend you own well I've know all along you rent it and all that money you flash around well its earned illegally of the backs of people who will loose everything at some point, she was recently done for tax evasion but I bet they don't know the half of it...

What pray tell do I say to this person... I think I may leave it ,not sure she could handle me saying anything...Not that I've heard from her recently after telling her the only way I'd get to see her is if I had a cock !!!

Reading pt 2

All set and ready to go...

Well I've listened to the tape, well not the way I would have liked, my daughter wanted to go and get her friend a present so did that then I had to walk poppy then I settle down again but Ben and Lara had a fight after going to Tesco's together so I had to sort that out, settled down again, then, this is how my evening has progressed.
I'm going to rewind it and try again, I thought about putting down what was said but decided against it, I don't think it would have been right somehow.

One thing was to not look back so Mr London who was the epitome of scrumptiousness has to be a mear distant dream...

Reading pt1 Saradelphi

Ok so onto my reading, one always feels a sense of interest what will I be told ? for me this trip into the unknown was more an inquiry as to where my spiritual development was going and if I should focus on the thing that gives me the greatest buzz, and that's simply project managing house renovations, yep that for me is fum fun fun... weird but true..

Well it started with my friend and I leaving Exeter after work and travelling down to kingsteignton, we found our selves meandering up a well to do hill where the houses shouted money, nice I  must say, having arrived I went onto the balcony with my old faithful book ( reading this book constantly defies me, another story) and waited the hour that was to be my friends journey into the unknown.

My turn, by this time I was barley able to keep my eyes open so tired was I ( see Aecom lighting )so I sat in quite contemplation, watching and listening to what was unveiling itself for my perusal, firstly my Gemini traits were looked into as were the stars that were about at this moment in time and what they meant then my hand was read, this I found very interesting and very informative, Letter were found one being a W which related to my father and one L which related to my daughter, couldn't have been more correct the rest of the reading was the tarot followed by angel cards all again very informative but as my memory of the events was somewhat mired by an inability to focus due to my sleepy condition my aim is to now re listen to the tape so as to understand more..

Who has tape machines anymore ? :)  I spent the following day trying to source a player that didn't cost much, after mentioning this to numerous people it payed of James who is leaving for Canada was selling loads of stuff one of which was a tape/cd player, so for ten pounds I was sorted..

Got it in the car so will listen to the tape and report later..

Re Frustration

One wonders at my egoism to think that my spiritual development can be measured in relation to my taking 10 to 20 steps back to every one taken forward when one considers ones place in the All that me in my manifest plane of existence could even begin to quantify my growth measured to what,  infinity that's what..

One could say "be damned" whats the point I'm so inconsequential what do I matter but when you think about it to take on this knowledge and still see that one has a place within the All all that matters and to still try to make a difference doesn't that in itself make a difference..  we are after all thought in manifest aren't we ?? But what does that mean ??

Crazy stuff

Weird

Why does it feel like your having an electric shock firing out of your toes and fingers when someone your driving with frightens you, me thinks the Matrix !!!

Why do aliens torture you in your sleep by seemingly torturing your beloved pet dog whilst in fact making it seem so by stimulation and then stating it was an experiment into your reactions, hey its not rocket science you hurt my dog you hurt me...

Why do the same aliens visit you within meditation seemingly so very gentle ?? They look like the Asgaurd..

Am I mad and what is madness if nothing is as it seems ?

What was I thinking I used the word stimulation instead of simulation ;) tut tut

Freedom not to be

Expansiveness my soul set free
To drift throughout these worlds
My freedom here to feel
A taste of liberty

The days of weary toil
Now worlds apart have gone
Gliding throughout time
The hourglass set again

And when my time here's done
I'll travel now again
And taste the bitter sweetness
That only life can bring

Egoism

Gosh here I was assuming I had a handle on things but no as soon as you think you have, something pops up at the opposite end of the spectrum and although right and should make your first assumption wrong no nothings that easy its also right Ahhh

here was I thinking I had a handle on the Big Bang that there was a point at which and exchange was made from solid to the etheric, but now i think that it always exists because if everything is made of nothing then nothing exists except the thought behind existence after all we can think things in being we can make substance out of thought...

There are so many saying out there, "I think therefore I am" "nothings written in solid stone" at least I think that's the one...

If out there exists something that something is eternal is eternity is is is everything what are we therefore, what part then do we play within this, are we then part of the mind of the all are we the imaginings are we like a bubble that exist on a glass along with millions of others existing within the water,  what are we then when we  become detached from the side of the glass and then become part of the air, not sure where I'm going with this one, just popped into my head..

Have to get back to this one..

Frustration

Its like talking to a brick wall most of the time, why don't people act, you give them the information and they sit and do nothing ahhhhhhhhh
Thank you Animal Aid, here are people who do something to help our fellow beings exist as they have a right to do, as much as we do I might add, how dare we as a race decide the fate of so many, bloody greed...

Sometimes I want to run away to a monastery and sit in meditation and thank you to all those that do for they bring about a little balance within this tempest of energy weve created, I want to escape but and I believe this, for us in the west spiritual growth is harder as we do not have a lineage of such practices within our recent history we have been corrupted by "religion" and those who's agenda has always been control, control of the masses, its every where even now in the guise of dumbing down the masses the anithnatisation of our senses so we no longer respond, let our planet be plundered, let us kill one another in the name of one god or another let us annihilate species and decimate everything we touch, we don't see because if we were to open our eyes what then would we have to do, to actually change our way of life to care about another, after all theres a whole evening of tv programmed in, why would one want to step away from that  pathetic non sensical  life after all its so fulfilling Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Am I ranting yes........ yes I am........ I don't have a tv licence because I don't want to feed the bbc and its left wing agenda, I don't buy papers because I don't want to help profligate this continuous drivel so many seem to thrive upon, I give a portion of my money away even though its bloody hard some months, I don't have much but others have less, get with the programme..

We need a new form of education one that removes institutionalised religion and gives over to the individual the tools to understand that each and every one of us can make a difference, so teach that murdering animals is wrong. teach that greed is wrong that ignorance is wrong. teach that sometimes its hard to do the right thing,  teach that a child should not be seen through the eyes of biological desire but through the wisdom that this person should have all the qualities to make the world a better place, how many beings born now will only know greed and averse, will only be interested in feeding its desires what ever they may be, will grow up being taught that everything is its right..

More fuel for the mass machine........... Utopia could exist why cant this be seen, I guess though that this concept wouldn't be good for business would it...

Don't you ever weep for who we could have been, the caretakers of such an amazing planet, although the term caretaker gives the human species a superior station I don't mean for this to be so, I mean that we could at our level of being have partaken of such immense delights as only our intellectual senses can understand.

Wow how cool would that be..

rant over, for now........ And as I said I do my best. I fight my inner battles as I fight the external ones and I aim towards my spiritual evolution, I try to bring more light into my darkness...In truth though I fail daily but I never stop trying and little by little those two steps backwards which  in reality are actually  10 or 20 one is taken forward !!! and that one step is worth everything.. Imagine taking a step in infinity what would that step equate to ???

Illuminati

Do you have the answer ?

I think you do !

Ask the question

And the answer is Yes..

Money

Why do people with debt still shop ??? its beyond me, "but I'm really happy and I don't have to pay for it straight away its from a catalogue" but your in debt pay that off first...

Its all about greed greed greed and need need need, maybe what we need is a financial melt down, no more benefits for having yet more children that they cant afford to have, why not have one and give it the best chance, the best schools etc..

Do people actually think about whats in it for the children they are having, being born into such unstable times...
One person I know expects the end of the world to occur at any time with all Christians being slaughtered and made to suffer unbelievable torture and torment so what does she do she has another baby ! how does this make sense, I don't understand..

I think there could be a melt down so I prepare I don't go shopping crazy for garden seats etc Ahhh silent scream as I'm at work..

Stop look and see what is happening we are destroying our planet and ourselves to boot...

There has to be another way, why are so many sleep walking..

And yes I do what I can although its hard to fight the current but the point is I try..

Clairvoyant

Yep going to one tonight,  I wonder what my future will bring !

Children

I think I'm at that age when listening to mothers telling me all about the fact that there child is the most amazing, most talented, most caring and most beautiful child on earth begins to wear somewhat, but mostly because of the fact that its mostly only true in their eyes.. Cant you see my eyes glaze over and if I throw in that most children of that age are the same the look of horror that passes through there eyes!!! you'd think that the fact other children have similar attributes was a terrible thing..

Ah well... My moan for the day... I now just go on about how wonderful my dog is and watch there eyes glaze over..

Pen Pal

Yep I think I'd like one, may look on line tomorrow, there is after all a site for everything ...

Tiredness

God it can be so overwhelming, after a day of non stop viewings I got home and was hit by the most extreme tiredness, curled up with the dog and just lay on my bed, not good.. Couldn't even muster the energy to go to the gym or a run with the dog..

Ok Ben my son was out on Friday and the stalker who had claimed to trapped in his house bored with an post op foot thing was in fact out on the town, 55 and still hanging out !!! Well why not one asks maybe he was on the pull !!! a bit young I'd say as most people out on a Friday are in their 20's but as ever hey ho, each to there own..

Oh and dreams, wow Mr London was in my dream last night and was it hot and steamy so much so it woke me up I had to pinch myself and then wow again I could almost feel  his presence !! Hit the cheese tonight and the red wine :) see if I can enact it again, I think its about time we learned to experience out dream reality more fully rather like those si fi films !!

Anyway way to tired to think straight, oh and saw a really great house today, if only I had another 30 grand I would go for it big time, it got the profit margin + it would make a great home.. Damn see if I had a guy in my life that would be easily attainable, But !! I don't trust them anymore, if I ever did, maybe that's my problem...

Surprised

Not much to say!!! might of course be the two glasses of sangria I've had, and yep its enough ! Got a rather loud house full so I'm hiding upstairs at the mo with the dog.

What next hey, I have a reading on Tuesday which I hope will be enlightening to some degree, if she's no good I'll go back to my usual lady..

Might do a set in a mo, even though I wont be tuned in due to alcohol. um think again my dear bad idea wait till tomorrow.. ok ooops talking to my self !!

Wish I had some cheese it really good for dreaming..

Work tomorrow .... again.......... may I please next time be born rich !!! I need a break a nice holiday but no dosh, poverty sucks big time, bloody bankers and damn the greedy masses..

On that note a meditation me thinks..

Gosh

Nothing much to say, went out to dinner complained about the male of the species and convinced my self I'm better off alone !!!
Yep checked mail but as ever nothing !! shame but I guess until I feel confident about myself I'm no good to any one..

Feel fat and horrible this evening..

Thank god for poppy, now theirs someone who loves me xxx she even lies on my dressing gown in the bathroom to be close to me whilst I'm having a soak...

I feel somewhat despondent at the mo for some reason..

Tears and Heart Ache

It abounds but the depths of hurt are reflected in our understanding of what we are supposed to be learning.

Gym was tough going and was going to go for my usual run but the heavens opened ! just in time for a glass of wine and to lend an ear to my daughter who is now in the process of understanding and grieving..

Checked Mail

Yep, couldn't help myself you guessed it nothing, did however mail Anthony back I was kind and asked how he was and hoped that he was taking it easy on sick leave...

My daughters friend from uni died in a quad bike accident in Canada 24 no age, its very sad when you have to deal with the death of someone young, I know.... nothing makes sense, there are so many less worthy people out there and why doesn't the world stop moving why don't people stop and realise, but the world does go on and people don't know and there is no sense in many things at least not that most of us understand.

Sometimes when I think about all I know about spirituality I become confused but when something like this happens I like to believe that before we came here we all pre arranged what we needed to experience a shake of the hand so to speak with certain knowledge that when we come together again we will have grown closer to the light, and we will be grateful for all the parts we have played in each others growth after all we are all part of a soul group or family, ( hence the familiarity we feel when we meet some people..)

He has found his peace may those that knew him and now grieve find their peace, as this is always the wishes of those who have passed on to the other side. To grieve them is not their wish..

Want

Want want want we want all the time and when we have that thing we wanted we want some more, what then is the orignal want is it the want of oneness with everything because if we were at one wouldnt we need not to want ?

My Love, One day one hopes..

My Love

Be my muse

Just stay a while

Just sit in quite repose

Just sit and let me ponder

Which road did bring me here

Which road did take my dreams

Which road did take my thoughts

My thoughts and dreams of being

In this place where now I dwell

In this place where my heart

In this place where my soul

At rest within your arms

At peace beside

My muse

©

Mind Games and Despair

Mind games

Why do mind games hurt so much

Why do they tear apart

The fabric of your life

Why does there seem no remedy

For the games that here are played

The twists and turns

The ups and downs

The confusion that is felt

Despair

I have a fuzzing feeling

No sleep, I’m feeling sick

The tiredness that resides

Has me clasped within its grip

I’m standing here with despair

Within these murky depths

The depths that pulls one down

Clutched tight with no way out

= Anthony

Damn

Yesterday a text and today a mail asking if I got the text, no reply to the text should have said it all, trouble is I don't want to be unkind, should I reply ??? I don't know, maybe he just wants to be Friends after all I'm Friends with my other ex's ??? but they weren't control freak stalker types, again he's not a bad guy I must remember that but !!! I actually felt annoyed when at the end of the mail he put a ? it was an inherent reaction it asked " did you get it in a harsh scary way" normally I would see this as nothing other than a ? but with him it became threatening... oh and  kiss !!! no no no you cant do that to me no xxx no

I'm all a dither, I cant be horrible but I cant be to nice either as he may get the wrong idea, oh deary me...

And I was just getting my head into being on my own mode, all I wanted was a little attention from what I thought was a nice guy and now look whats happened..

Oh dear, my poor little being is all upset now.. more so than being a dope where Mr Wellens was concerned, at least it was me going of into the land of crazy people not him he just ignored me pretty much, actually that did smart somewhat..

Oh bother... I want to ask What do I do ? but I know on one reads this... Oh dear..

No worries, dont want to bore others but what are friends for "HELP" nicole, lou, debs you guys have your heads screwed on.. well hey there girls so probably not but we can all see things better from the outside..

Bother

Must endeavour to spend thoughts in mediation rather on other things!!

Could spend some of this time looking up how to be rude in Swedish after having been dealt a rather abusive blow from a polish guy, I have no idea what he was saying but the tone was very unpleasant, ( doing a viewing on a rental he was staying in ) trouble is in this crazy world of PC nuts were now the only people who cant say anything to anyone Ra you know what I mean..
So next time I'll be able to reply in a language they don't understand, perfect...

The messages

Its true when you seek the answer often it arrives !!

"All souls regardless of status seek the clarity of a quirt threshold to create their reality eloquently".

Ah this explains a lot thank you for this Veronica...

symbolon

Cards read this morning, interesting hey !!

Disillusion awaits you on the path ahead. Your longing for love and partnership is just a carrot before the (don­key's) nose which is meant to motivate you and bring growth. If you don't burst the bubble yourself, you will become lost in illusion


You have understood how you held onto something (spiritually) dead. That in itself is the insight you need to break the connection. All you need to do is realize you have stagnated. The ghost will then disappear of its own accord

You have strayed far from your truth. You repress the pain and (unconsciously) prevent the wound from heal­ing. You urgently need to find someone close to you who can help you come to terms with your sadness (concerning a relationship). Time heals all wounds if you are prepared to cleanse them with tears.

Ah me

I need a distraction me thinks..

Could I please put in a  request for, now must get this right, for a, crazy if you say tall the best guy for me could be short there for I would have eliminated him and again opted for someone who doesn't care like Mr London,ok for the person who best suits my needs, not sure this is the best way of putting it because right now my needs are for an electrician to sort out some lighting, a plumber to sort out yep you guessed it some plumbing, also thinking about getting the double glazing sorted out and getting a new garage built, soo if the person was to suit my needs he would have to be a multi talented builder or an Anthony, he had all the right attributes highly intelligent, successful, and in his part time was a property developer, perfect other than all his control compulsions and insecurities oh and obsessive behaviour were his son was concerned..

ok lets try again, these are the attributes I find attractive, intelligence, success, spiritual, gives to charity, is respectful and caring, good if you know what I mean and of course capable of love but not the weird stalking variety..

I know I'll use a different tact please allow me to become the person that will attract my equal partner...  Is this ok ??? oh re-read this and thought my equal partner needs to be male, I like women but not in that way..

Time to get up again...

Weird

Ok seriously weird or what, I've been sending faxes all day to Alicia and every time I've typed the A in I've thought about Anthony you know crazy stalker guy with a panache for control ! well he just texted me ! Why ? he says he's had an op on his ankle so has been unable to drop my dressing gown over, well that was left there over 9 months ago ! He asks if I'm ok ? so what is going wrong in his life at the mo to be getting in touch.....
Scary, I do hope he's not interested in me again, made another mistake as he puts it !! I'll just ignor the text that way he cant engage me in text talk/conversation.. Where is the new woman one asks???

Dont get me wrong he's not a terrible guy he just has a lot of issues concerning control, insecurities etc. I just cant handle them... I mean the guy bought us a house yes it was big etc but he knew I didnt want it, he exchanged contracts without even letting me know, not normal, and of course he was surprised when I said enjoy!! not that it was as simple as that I was really unhappy and couldnt have lived a life that was so awful no matter the lifestyle..

Blocked

Hot mails blocked !! damn cant check my mail !! seem to be getting lots of Chinese people following me on Twitter for some reason!

Well as stated with the complaining to poor Mr London I have started to make sure I make use of my time and catch up with people..

Which reminds me must do something... oh and something else... must write things down, jog the old memory.

Mirror Mirror

Yuk just caught sight of myself and though not looking good old girl... Misery, Dispair...

Calories

Alicia thank you so much for the crackers you bought me "Apt one might say" but 3 equate to 74 calories
 :( that's like ages on the tread mill.. And yes I ate them along with some ginger nuts at 47 cals each its heading towards 300 on just junk :( salad tonight!!
I've been bitten ! you see I get bugs to take a nibble, must be because I'm sooo sooo sweet... But ouch they really itch and hurt..

My Jigsaw Puzzle

My life’s a jigsaw puzzle
Who’s broken scattered pieces
Lay here all around me
What hand unseen will place them
In the order that will show me
The way I seem to you.

Fragments of me beyond repair
Like these scattered pieces
Can you see beyond my smile
Beyond my sparkling eyes
Can you see that puzzle
That incomplete does show
The façade of my life

You tell me about the picture
That you see when you look at me
But how do I see through misty eyes
Through so many tears
How do I see the puzzle
That’s finished in your eyes

To give.

Bestowal






To bestow upon another
Fulfils this earthly need
To ask what you can give
Not what you will receive


This popped into my head !

To change my path no more the trouble feelings

A Retrospective Glance



I had never noticed
That picket fence before
Behind which lays a garden
Resplendent and divine
I wondered at the hand
That tended here this place
I wondered at the beauty
What lay beyond the path


Upon this path did I now tread
Beyond that picket fence
A world of bloom around me
Scented to the last
Oblivion here does take
Upon its winding paths
A person to revisit
The moments of their lives

A retrospective glance does show
My life now here before me
The subtle substances
Replayed now in reverse
The cocktail I had sipped
That made my coloured life
I felt a troubled feeling
Within my troubled heart

©

Work

I think if I had the money I'd go on a retreat try to find myself, once through a vision I saw myself reflected as a tree half was white and half black could have been balance but to be honest I feel like it was pointing out that I needed to bring more light into the darkness of my life. Strange as it sounds I find that so difficult to do I know what to do but it’s almost like that negative part of me enjoys its existence too much and I don’t really want to be all light although again it is there, I always know the right thing to do, I just don’t do it, I don’t understand it at all, what is it I'm afraid of ? being vulnerable well did that one recently and got a kick up the arse and survived. What is it that I'm afraid of, I ask that the information be made available to me so that I can release this block.... It probably is being made so but like anything we need to be observant and I think Mr London has given me some new insights.. Now though I'm ready for more challenges, not sure I should  have said that ! please let them be tempered with some joy !!
Actually why am I complaining I am so very fortunate
Maybe the reflection of the tree is the state of all humanity, capable of such amazing selfless acts, capable of giving, caring, loving, but it also is capable of the opposite and I guess until we can as is said love they neighbour we won’t be able to transform our lives and that of all who partake in this existence be it the smallest insect to the planet itself.