Childhood

How much of my upbringing plays a part in how i now behave ?

Anorexia, Bulimia, constant reflexions into who I am and all the judgements I make about myself, I remember as a teenager spending days working out in my home gym day after day after day thinking that if only I was slim enough someone would love me, sad hey ! I even thought that water would be reflected in the scales when I stood on them, so I not only did i barely eat I barley drank either, crazy.

There was one way to stop hurting though..

The razor cuts as life cuts deep

I run the blade across my skin
The blood springs forth at once
The pain is eased but not for long
The depths it cannot reach

Sad but true, but this was a long time ago and Ive grown since then, although having said that whilst with Anthony the mental anguish I suffered did bring me back to that place, never again will I let someone do that to me, so I guess I have indeed grown, this journey into the world of blogging is for me therapy mixed with growth and a window into my psyche my soul even. And the anonymity that it affords renders it rather like a diary, and if someone is to stumble across it it was meant for them to do so cos I have tried and i cant find it.. Repeating myself a bit but hey ho..

You know the old saying sticks and stones, well when I was really really young I remember my mother showing me a picture of my fathers mother and saying you'll look just like her when you grow up suffice to say that she was very short and not at all attractive deeply unattractive in fact, what an aspirational though for a young girl to have to live with, you'll grow up ugly, "you may have been unhappy mother but why do that to a young child?" even to this day I still remember that and still state it wont happen to me, hence maybe to some degree my need to control my weight, not that I ever really get that big at my fattest I was only 8.4 and that was down to being so miserable with Mr Control freak stalker..
Any way got to dye my hair, damnable grey..

Isnt she precious, she always makes me smile, I love this little dog so so much xx