He loves me

I've just listened to a tape I had done many years ago after my brother died, Paul came through as my brother wasn't that strong having only just passed and god I'd forgotten how empty everything was without him for so so long,  I know he never left my side after he'd gone cos I felt him but listening to this tape the memories flood back, he said he loved me and always will, how could I get so absorbed by the mundane and forget that this man is always here for me, I will see him again I know this but its so hard to loose someone so wonderful, hold the happy times he says (more tears).

(Both Paul and my brothers last moments were similar, I'd never realised death could be so so awful I think I watched to many movies where they just drift off, they don't trust me they don't, death can be the most awful thing to watch as someone struggles for every breathe the noise and the pain its just to awful for words..)

Maybe this recent reading I had was so I could listen to this one again, so I could remember or allow myself to because most of the time I can think about my brother, and Paul well so many regrets, I think that's when my heart was torn out, you placed a tiara on my head and told me I was your princess and I miss you I've pushed you away for so long because I couldn't cope or understand but when all's said and done I know our energy will unit at some point and I will have come home...Come back and take care of me again, guide me, and help me, open the doors for me so I can go through them again....I've been so sad for so long and I didn't even realise it.... Even if no one ever sees in me what you did at least you did and  you were the best of the best....

I love you all up there, Paul, Pete, John, you all got taken to to young but my god did you guys live life to the full xx