Fear

I'm afraid of being a fool again!!!
i'm afraid of being afraid to continue forward..

Texting

Why oh why does everything revolve around texting nowadays its driving me nuts, I want to have a conversation, I want people to call me, I would dearly have loved for John to have called me instead of sending the occasional mail or text, humph choice speak to me go to the pub !!! pub wins... ok I'm being harsh the poor guy doesn't owe me a call or anything really he sees me because I'm available i guess... oh bother, why do I get into such a pickle when I like a guy, got to got to get my head back on straight....

I must choose what is right for me, that's what my reading said, "whats right for me" so what is ??? what am I looking for??
Honesty, I think that this one is soo important because if we are honest  with ourselves and others we can live much healthier lives, I don't know if I want a relationship but maybe I feel that way because I feel insecure but if I feel insecure maybe that's because through my insecurity i see things as they aren't !... ok so
I don't like smoking
I don't like drinking to much
I want to be wined and dined
I want little gifts of affection
I want to sleep through the night without snoring cause by beer and cigarettes...
I'm holding back because in the past all I've done is give and give and give all the silly little love notes, the little surprises, the things that I think show that I care and in truth where has it ever gotten me, well used I say, taken for granted I'd say, what a mug I've been...
Sooo this time it has to be right because if its not it leads to heart ache down the line... I'm more than ok on my own I don't have to open up I'm safe but what would life be like If I found the right side of my being my complimentary other ???
Breathe breathe fear is but an illusion sent forth to illuminate your way forward, if I turn and run from my fear I will not be able to taste my victory at overcoming it, I choose growth....

I'm confused mucho mucho....

Damn

So thank you David for drawing my attention to the fact that yet again I fail :( you have an uncanny knack of doing this, so here it is apparently  the guy I like drinks to much which in the past has aways been a no no, he smokes which again is an even bigger no no and on our first date he let me pay for dinner !!! which equates to he doesn't want to impress me he's not that interested in proving himself as he sees me as just a passing phase !!

Ok so here I get to say I'm single, I'm in no need of a male in my life other than one who sees my worth and that's it really...

I feel really fat so 30 mins and I'll hit the gym to burn a few hundred calories whilst he smokes and drinks to excess !!! come to  think of it he paid for the pics and I paid for dinner then we went out again and I paid for dinner and drinks !! what is wrong with me .. the thing is I don't want to think this way but as David points out if a guy thinks a girl is worth pursuing that's what he does, he wines and dines her... instead its me doing the wining and dining !!!

I've been to easy, my fault of course... so I think I'll back off ... he needs to be with someone he really wants not me...

RE Reading

I write in a little book rather like conversation with god I've done this for a long time, but whats interesting is when you read back what was said previously, simple questions answered with such knowing that it could not be of my hand, and future events foretold its just so very interesting and reassuring that whilst in conversation with my higher self or what ever thing is streaming to me I can be given such insights..

I went with my friend to a meditation group, the interesting things that came up were in the guided meditation, here I was staggered at the reaction to the dark wet path we had to pass over, the imagery was as clear as day and the time was of my death, being guided down a few steps filled me with dread as I have no wish to relive those moments, we were then taken through a gate into a garden, here again I struggled as I had written a poem about walking through a garden it was of reflection at ones life another thing that at that moment I had no wish to experience, finally settling upon a bench I was approached by a most beautiful light being and another who's face was hidden from me, upon asking what I could learn I felt a most unpleasant feeling as one half of my body seemed to become deformed twisted and contorted whilst the other remained the same.
I am Gemini, I am the pendulum that swings, I am yin and yang, I am two halves seeking balance and this is my deepest need to find that peace that exists between these opposites..

I must seek the calm waters of my inner being..

The Bridesmaids

Ok watch the last ten mins, yep girl gets her guy and yep a little tear escaped ..

Blogging

This is so cool, I get to off load my problems and feel much better... Suppose I should finish watching the fim again ! be rather glad when its over, It s that bad...

Wine

I'm having a wine free weekend !! I think :) I'm having an information overload time again hence my sudden relapse into blogging, old faithful, where would I be without my on line self counselling channel...

where does time go, I'm so frustrated there is never ever enough time to fit everything in and I cant let go off anything to find more time !!! there simply needs to be two of me :) ahhh but I'm Gemini so there are two, maybe the knack is to stop these two sides of my nature from clashing there fore appropriating a little time from the crazy thought world these two seem to create..

Maybe hey.........

Safety

And what of courage do I have it in abundance, I think so but still persists this fear...

And what of pastures new

Abundant in their bounty

Does one trust what’s yet unknown

Does one trust again

The deeply warming sun

That here does warm the fields

Does one pause

And check about

To see if it is safe

Or is there lurking somewhere

A threat that’s out of sight

The Ring

I found a ring just recently
A golden wedding ring
I know not how it came
To rest upon my floor
It sits now in my jewellery box
But sometimes moves around
I found it in the fire place once
That ring it does confound
Why did it come here to reside
Why did it come to me
But when I hold this little ring
It whispers deep inside
It says that it’s the truth
Though I don’t quite understand
What truth does it speak of
Of this I’m yet to find

This came to me and it’s taken until now four yrs later to understand it......... 

It’s really weird the way things happen, sometimes I get these thoughts or words and I have to put them down on paper they just seem to come in streams. sometimes I'm given such moments of clarity it takes my breath away, tears prick my eyes and my heart is opened in ways I thought not possible..

Maybe

Maybe when we let a part of ourselves go or let it die new beginnings will be formed, maybe better and stronger, maybe its just finding the strength to let go. there must be some reason all these  strange little thoughts or words that pop into my head, maybe there guiding me, maybe when there written down huridly they are meant to be understood later, maybe !

The Fallen Tree

Such beauty in its majesty
This twisted broken tree
Who branches now do rest
Upon the grassy bank
It sleeps a silent sleep
In beautiful repose

But nature sees the plenty
In resting here in peace
For within this fallen tree
New life has now begun
And in the seeming decay
Her soul is fed to feed

Seek and Listen

I’ll send you little messages

Whispered on the winds

 I tell you how I love you

And how I’ll always care

I’ll tell you that I’m here for you

Just ask and you will see

For my love I’ll send to you

On angles wings that bear

The tiding of my joy and

My blessing for to share

There are moments of peace

My Garden

Upon my Buddha rests
A fetched butterfly
And near within flowers
A bee does dart about
The sun whose rays do stream
Through Acer bright to show
The colours of its leaves
And with a gentle breeze
A sweet peas scent does tease
The senses that are heightened
Within my English garden

We meet sometimes someone who offers us the gift of a peaceful soul and in this meeting we see the light...... and within this light such warmth is felt..

What does one do ???

What does one do, I think I'd like to be able to trust again, the things I am being given through word and thought is that if I give unreservedly I will find happiness not necessarily in any given way but that my soul or spirit or whatever you want to call it will shine a little brighter eclipsing to some small degree this annoying voice in my head that is constant in its criticism of my worthiness..
I judge myself so harshly when I think about it and I'm fearful of so many things, I create a safe haven for myself within a world that I create but this world is at the mercy of the ever present road that I walk upon, never I think will I be able to take port away from the storm as it is the constant buffeting that is shaping me...

 To what end I ask...

Growth Growth Growth

yep that’s my aim in life, I do above all things want to grow  in a spiritual context and things keep happening to me to allow this to happen, but each time its rather like pulling my own teeth out there is always some element of pain involved.
I've been looking at astrology recently and seeing that other than the usual weekly horoscope there is actually so much depth and truth within this science if that’s the right word for it, at least that’s how it seems to me as the whole process seems very complicated and mathematical which of course blows my tiny mind :)
I am Gemini I was getting ready to go out yesterday not anywhere of great interest but my god the duality was soo soo evident I was happy to be going out with my daughter but at the same time miserable beyond belief I feel constantly dragged between emotional opposites I battle constantly with these things, I never feel good enough, I feel unworthy most of the time and I try to get my life in line with where I believe I should be but ever finding that I am catapulted into the opposite, that’s the word! opposite! the constant pendulum that swings for me, never tiring in its movement ever persistent in its endeavour to take me on roads I fear to tread knowing ever that upon these roads there will be no smooth path, that I will be forced to forge a stream then a river whose currents are beyond measure, a river that will try to undermine my stance within its forceful presence. My life is this road of steep inclines and harrowing descents of uneven surfaces where at any moment ones footing may be lost plummeting one over the edge into the deepest of ravens, but upon this journey there is no escape it is my road the one that I have chosen to journey upon, the one that upon its treacherous paths can at points be seen the most magical awe inspiring vistas where in one draws breathe and is given strength to yet again gather up ones troublesome ego and walk in search of relief knowing that this is yet but a moment upon the ultimate journey....