Tired

I'm so tired I'm barely conscious, yes to some degree my fault but oh dear it is a bind being to worn out, lets see I got 4 hrs sleep on Thursday, 7 Friday, broken sleep at and maybe 4 last night.. Not enough she cries...
+ I'm suffering from whip lash which is so draining because of the pain and the head ache...
Spoke to Steve in Japan which was wonderful, I miss the connection we had but hopefully we can reestablish it again, but that's down to him really... I think it would help me to have him back as a friend again...
In wine truth ?? Does alcohol release inhibited thought ?? I coud do with a glass of wine right now thats for sure....
Need to play catch up here but the pain is to much for me to be able to consentrate...

Giving

I need to give it is my life force that desires this so strongly ........

Restriction

Do some people not think or is it that we overlay our desires upon a given situation and thus give the situation a force that does not exist in the others mind, or do I yes I have a desire that is not met so find fault in another to allow myself to feel what ever emotion is conjured up in my mind, usually emotions of negativity..
I actually desire so little I meet my own needs but when desire is stirred then it becomes all encompassing I am filled with passion and desire that desire is a force that propels me forward to amazing heights this desire to make another happy to make another feel wanted, loved, cared for, but what when desire is met with a resistance where the object of desire does not respond does not allow the giving nature that needs to be expressed what then, the need to bestow finds no outlet finds no release and is bound within, what then becomes of this force of a need to express only an altuistic nature, what becomes of this altruism does it turn inwards and express itself in a form of frustration,  this is my undoing for here i have already found the pain of such rejection, in writing this I know that the love i feel is not appreciated so will and must be put forward to give nourishment for another soul, there are so many in need I must meditate these emotions outward sharing only love and light, I must smile and bear the feeling of neglect and see again only that there is a need for love in this world.
Allow me the grace to find peace within this situation one way or another for I am tired of neglecting my souls voice i am tired of wanting to bestow but meeting only restriction...

Silence

As they say is golden so this time lips tight shut, no words to prove my folly if in fact folly is here at play one simply knows not as yet, but time that ever passes with deliberation, taunting one with its infinite capacity to render one desperate for it to fly or desperate for it to last just that little bit longer well here I have or am finding this taunting time has now lost some of its intensity, still the chattering mind reminds me of its passing but the desperation of this chatter has diminished.
Here I sit now with a small degree of calm, lost is the hold that chained me to irrationality replaced with now a sense of destiny, I know the path I've seen the path I simply disregarded it not trusting my sight my knowledge, the heavy crushing ego that has caused so many problems now fights hard for its dominance over me and in truth will win some battles as will I over it in others, but with each battle won maybe I will become stronger changing my inner force for the better, trusting my insight trusting my souls voice that sounds its triumphant horn at each victory for and on behalf of me who cannot see my growth nor boast of it..

And here within "maybe" I find the fearful tones of egos voice whispering in my ear.... There is no Maybe I am stronger...

Day done

Do i go to the gym / walk/run the dog/ figure out what to wear tonight ? um ok dunno, going to ma ma stones tonight ...
Debs is celebrating tonight, sooooooo should be a good night, think she maybe man hunting !! she likes to give me some sacrificial man but still have a crush in place so or do i snog some rather dishy guy to get this one out of my mind... dilemmas ;)

Focus

To attain focus over ones monkey mind is indeed a task, the contestant chatter is at times deafening, it seems to serve no purpose other than as a constant distraction usually with one subject, and usually that which one would dearly like to submerge into the vast nothingness if that indeed exists in some format, for me it seems not to, i cannot bury thought !!
This is a gift that I would deary like to gain, the loss of noisy thoughts, I have discovered one thing within this experience with JE in that sometimes when he looked at me you could see that there was with some disappointment or a look that said you don't measure up or your not good looking enough, these moments were brief but they existed and I was aware of them and here is where my mirror existed i cannot fault him in that I'm aware of how it feels....Mirror Mirror on the wall ... show me my reflection... but that reflection is not always what we would like to see...
I need to be able to change things within myself but I struggle...... meditation would do it but escaping this monkey mind !!!!!!!!!!!

no time

No time, no time... at least its my day off...
Nice meal at the lighter last night unlike the one on wed which was really bad at the harvester, next meeting is at the white hart again, thank god ..
Oh and Exeter is over run by bloody students, even on Tue night when we went out for a quite drink every pub was over run with them, so much for student debt, but hey Its Exeter Uni the countries baby sitting uni for the rich mummies and daddies and their spoilt little off spring.. its like Ra world out there!!!
Just have to wait until they all go back for xmas :) yip other than that its travel out side the high street as most students here seem to spend most of there time plastered the thought of driving is not conducive to them..
Hey ho gunna go shopping now !

Nature

The human species may govern its environment but not with love and caring but with a will to ensure its dominance. We do indeed walk to our own oblivion with our eyes tight shut against natures balance, there is non to keep us in check bare our own conscience and that we no longer heed...

Be Still

Be still this beating heart of mine, why do you act the traitor to your master who has carried you, held you, and comforted you, but who in truth has exposed you to things that have damaged you, is this my penance, your treachery in my time of need, where strength was my aid indeed strength sided with you leaving me defenceless against my will, my will too finding solace in you, I am lost, will, strength, heart all leading me to where my weakness lays, within arms that for moments I do forget, for moments does my fear retreat.. But when arms no longer interlinked do free me then the fear returns....

Virus

Well that was rather horrible.. worst part is I felt so rough today i couldn't go to the gym :( not sure how I'll fit it in tomorrow as I'm out with /debs, where trying yet another new pub, never remember its name that's the problem, but its oldy worldy and attracts and interesting bunch of people.. The Hour Glass, remembered :)
Have been feeling guilty about off loading my emotional drama and asked for a little "its cool" but as yet I've had no reply...

Virus

There was  me thinking I was sinking into a depression but nope its a virus, in fact cant do the spelling corrections I notice because I can look at this screen its so bright and its hurting my eyes... Cant look at this lap top at all its making my head hurt... So much for being mega fit and healthy..

Weepies

My mother gave me a box set of films called weepies and yes having watched the first one tears were shed, one wonders at these moments if the tears are shed for the characters within the film or in fact shed for ones self, driving back just now I wanted so much to just cry but in my head was the fact that if I allow myself this then how can I have faith that all will be well, faith is so hard to keep when inside your feel like things are tearing away at you, the things that you cant change the things that you can do nothing about because you have no control... I'm feeling it very hard to not curl up and be whale my sad state, I have to stay in because I have work tomorrow but in truth I don't want to be here alone i want to be out pretending that I'm ok that I'm in control.
Is all this part of my damaged childhood, was my mothers marriage to a man she didn't want to marry by her own admission the reason she never loved my brother and I is it why my brother ended up with cancer his bodies way of manifesting all the neglect we endured, I don't know, I do know through my teenage yrs I tried so hard not to be here anymore, starving myself to an unrecognisable state, two overdoses, just because I think I wanted to be loved, and as I had no compass to set emotions by I have never know true love. I used to think that through my youthful silliness that all beautiful people were loved and adored, and these were the people on magazines, so if I wanted love all I had to do was be thin, and thinner, no one could love me if I was fat, so I couldn't eat and now with this comment that was made I'm back thinking that I should have been thinner, even though I know its silly, but if I had been thinner then it would have been one less issue..
If I hadn't dated him I woundnt be feeling bad, i would still have been in that place that looked forward to one day that special person sweeping me off my feet.
I don't understand why spirit has decided to put me through this, but I have to try so hard on this horrible decent into my deepest lack to look forwards and try with a my powers to aim towards the light.. But I'm so so very tired off all this.. People think I'm mad when I say death doesn't bother me but it doesn't because in death we feel nothing of this pain.
I'm really really tired right now, I wish he hadn't been so mean................ I don't understand it...............He tought me one thing though i cant put mysef through this again I just cant, please please give me the strength to stay on my own dont let me be swayed by someone pretending to be nice when i know now I really know that men are never nice to me.............my throat hurts so much.....

meditation

Fingers crossed Steve sends me the password to access his meditation, and fingers crossed it surpasses my expectation... That man could take me off world with his voice...
I'm fasting again, and I'm just starting to get hungry.... doing house work to fill in time, but not much more to do :( please please don't make time take to long today) I need peace.. and that can only be found at the mo in my dreams...

The chase

You know when your on the motorway and you tag someone following them, so i don't know they kind of pull you along. well... After doing the weights I got on the the bike next to what looked like a female version of rocky in that she was wearing about 6 layers of clothing and cycling very fast (on a low level, mega easy) but after getting on the tread mill and after god knows how many streatching exercises she was ready to go, I got on and walked for 2 mins and then started to run, its interesting how people like to compete, she kept running and so did I, I pushed passed leve 12 and nearly kiled myself, got to go out will finish later...Suffice to say after 30 minutes I had to leave but as I left I saw her get off looking rather shattered and I think rather glad I'd got off before her, so all in all it profited us both as we pushed one another :)

Bored Bored Bored

Why is it when you want to get out of the house everybody is Busy!! I think its orchestrated by upstairs, their imposing some sort of time out on me...  No wine No fun just physical working out, so fields tonight with the dog, :(

The bullet

To dream of being hit by a bullet suggests that you need to persevere and endure the difficult times.
Great so I get shot by a bullet last night in my dreams, and above is the interpretation via a dream dictionary, reasonably accurate I guess... 
Experienced a great unease last night and very restless, when waking I experience a sense of wanting to be wrapped up in his arms, he was so good at that, Damn...
But the bullet was removed so I'm guessing that the problems will dissipate soon, and it was only a shoulder injury which I guess would also mean that as it was not a body shot things aren't as bad as I see them to be...
I guess I'll move through this experience and grow, the one thing I wont do is be diminished by it I have to beat the darkness and give it no strengh for it will take hold and drag me down, in fact for the past few weeks have been experiencing  one thing after another testing me but again through out every experience I take the reins hold and decide with conviction to gallop straight through with no time spent looking around for in hesitation sometimes we are lost.
Its not an easy thing to do most of the time, but this is the way I think my path is and so I must go with it... Always Love Always Light, Hey my new mantra, how cool, you see this writing thing opens doors for me, I like this Always Love, Always Light :)
I know I babble along here but its nothing compared to the other writing I do, it just pours out pages of it and always its leading me towards my souls delight, freedom, freedom from the pain that we choose to feel when things hurt us instead of seeing these things as cul de sacs which we venture in to on occasion before returning to the road.
Dream Int for road
Road
To see a road in your dream refers to your sense of direction and how you are pursuing your goals. If the road is winding, curvy, or bumpy in your dream, then it suggests that you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the controversial or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.�

If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned.

To see an unknown road in your dream represents a path that has not been ventured. You are setting a new precedence for something.

To dream that a threatening creature is on a road parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear. *Please see also Street.

Interesting, so one could with ones thought make this road less undulating and layed more to one's advantage, maybe with every decent the focus should be upon the ascent and to focus on that... with of course my new Mantra :)

Tired

I have to make sure time is filled with stuff and stuff usually means going down the gym although i felt guilty or sad not sure which when the same guy let me in again, he prob thinks I have no life.. oh well I just need to get myself fitter than I was and that means running.. Not sure if I see any change as yet but that wont deter me.. To be honest I think being fit is better than going to the pub every night or sitting watching TV how boring is that...And I got to over level 11 and could have run longer bar the fact that my ear phones fell out and whilst trying to sort it I feel out of rhythm then I got the sniffles.. next time I'll have a tissue and I'll buy some head phones that sit over your ears..
Going to get my creatine tabs for muscle building Thursday so will see if that makes a difference...

Looking forward to seeing debs on Thursday down our usual the white hart for dinner and a catch up...

I'm bored now, and its only 9.30 :(

Besieged

Why oh why is my mind besieged with thoughts, thoughts of ! why does my mind have this in inability to allow me some peace.???

My daughter

Youthful Glow

I watch my daughter pass me by

She hasn’t got a clue

She doesn’t see what I see

That youthful pretty glow

Life is life

It’s lived today

No care for what’s to come

The nap to ease

I’m tired today

To many battles fought
I try to see the reasons
But end up very fraught
I think I’ll take a nap now
To see if I can sleep
To see if I can sleep away
The battles yet to fight

What heaven that would be, but yet again how can we grow without being tested, and I am tested... I feel myself on a decline so must try to find the road that rises upward so as to maybe hopefully be able to glimpse a view that if it does not take my breath away can at least give me a little hope...
It’s not always easy...

The Drunken Driver

It ended all my tomorrows last night don’t you see

You took my life, my love, my world

How do I go on today

How can I do things on my own

How will I be able

How can I stand this empty space

That now stands here beside me

God this pain I cannot stand

Where will I find the strength

Your flowers standing here

Where I placed them just last night

The emptiness it’s here now, I feel it all around

Your laugh oh god it’s gone

Your smile is fading fast

Just one more drink he must have thought

Just one more won’t hurt

Just one more for the road he’d said

As he stood there at the bar

And with each sip how could he know

He was tearing lives apart

I saw you sitting there that night

Head cradled in your hands

You didn’t want to see them, try to save his life

What thoughts did play upon your mind

Were they only for your self

Or did you feel the torment of taking someone’s life

The child....

(I don't like this and I have no idea where it came from ) but it wanted to penned so I penned it !!

The noises that I hear

As I snuggle in my bed

Are insistent and I’m scared

It happens every night

My mother now is shouting

She slams the bedroom door

Uncle John is saying

He’s better rid of her

As the noises start to calm

Mother in her bed

I hear the creak upon the stairs

One breathe then two, then three

And now stood here beside me

He smiles his evil smile

Uncle John now whispers

What a good girl am i

To keep our little secret

And I softly start to cry

He wipes away my tear

As it trickles down my face

He tells me how I make him feel

So very good inside

And as he begins to stroke my hair

He slips inside my sheets

His hands now starts to trace again

The patterns as before

I close my eyes now oh so tight

To blot out all the pain

I wish my mum would wake up

I scream it in my head

I’m disappearing now

For this is how I hide

I hide away from him

Inside inside inside

And when I wake he’s gone away

My routine must be done

I have to wash away my sins

To scrub and wash me clean.

For He Had Served His Country Well

Heavy heavy is my heart

For I am all alone

Four days now I’ve waited

But silence does surround

No phone that’s rung

No door that’s knocked

The past is all I have

The memories have stopped

They cannot now move on

Waiting waiting is all I do

I watch the clock tick by

The sleep that comes

Is troubled sleep

For I am in denial

I want for this to not be true

This could not be for me

And as I sit alone in here

The people pass me by

They pass me tea whilst telling me

I must keep up my strength

But what do I need strength for

When I’m rooted to this spot

I cannot do the busy thing

I cannot here pretend

I cannot keep my chin up

As they say that I should do

And then as morning breaks

I know deep in my heart

That never will I smell again

His scent when standing close

I know that he has left me

His soul has taken flight

For wings that did once carry him

Are now broken crashed and burnt

7stone 81/2

And still i have the old fat arse :)

Ah well, so busy today, I think in part so as to not think !! why do I think so much ?? it does me no justice !!

Shopping therapy

Yep, didn't find the little black dress but did find one that will do for next sat, just got to pursued debs to wear one...
i bought jumpers dresses etc and the buzz lasted until I go home, then I dashed over to see Alicia and her new baby which was ok considering I'm not really a soppy baby person... but now I'm hungry really hungry.. . having done this before I know the symptoms and I'm starting to feel a little ill, by tomorrow morning I'll be feeling really ill.. wonder what the scales will say..
I cant settle I need to be doing things to keep my mind off Mr **** ***** I haven't heard from my friend yet so I could be spending the night in tomorrow which will be good, that way when I get home from work I can go to the gym... if I can work off this fat arse of mine I'll be a very happy person.. although no one will see it I will and as its my major pain of contention which depresses me greatly if it gets if only a little smaller what an achievement for my psychological state..
What can I do its only 4.30 !!! I need mental stimulation or physical if I'm to keep my thoughts clear..

Charlie Sheen

What a mind, could be a fly on his shoulder any time... for his mind...

Rollercoaster

When one re reads what one writes one is drawn to the highs and lows the moments of strength and those of weakness, I see that in all things I have great strength and I can attain much, but where my heart is concerned I am deeply damaged, and where my heart can be open to many and will pour with unboundless capacity for me myself that personal interaction between two people here I fail feeling ever unworthy here I doubt everything within myself no longer am I confident but disproportionately critical of me I see in myself no redeeming features, why would one want me who's faults are so many who's physical appearance can not be seen within a frame of positivity, who's intellect and who's every aspect must be seen to have so little value.
How does one move from this place ? how did I get here, is it all from me.
Are we ever helped by any energy of kindness, if so may I find that energy so it may softly and gently ease me away from such thoughts...

The Battle

One learns as we move along our paths and for me I learnt that I cannot have that emotion and be able to handle it, especially when you say it and well !!!, I went into a blind panic..
Time took on a new dimension taunting me with every passing minute, eclipsing rational thought my consciousness delved deep into my fear of being vulnerable and brought it to the surface with no concern for my well being, moments became battle fields of hours where with swords drawn i fought my opponent breathless and weary each cut was another word upon a page which in turn became another coup de main where in one wished the tyrant would masterfully wielded the dagger and  play the coup de grace thus the ending would have been upon me..
But no the field now stands empty my opponent me stands forcing myself onwards with a pretence of normality where in the vision of despair that's hidden within my eyes is masked with such expertise.. I have not the strengh required to walk this path other than alone.


One may find along its routes many temptations in the guise of wonderment longing and desire but these without strength blow away with the winds... I have no strength where emotion is concerned I will lay down and accept the dagger with grace as I am done...

Blogging

As I sit here tears stream down my face, i was rereading my blogs and now have reached the one about Paul,  I know people suffer through out the world through starvation, deprivation etc so from that perspective I have nothing to complain about, But, it doesn't stop me feeling pain and hurt and I mosty turn to these pages when I'm confused or hurting or searching, these are here the moments of my decent these are the moments of my regrets my longing of my hopes and fear, and here now my sense of being lost and confused.
I don't know how to play the game............... Just llistening to Amy Winehouse Love is  loosing hand..

The final frame love is the loosing game... How do you play the game so the odds are stacked in your favour ???

I kept my self so contained, so locked away safely, I knew only a longing for someone to unlock my heart now I know pain..... Does the word not fair have any resonance here or any place ? after all I had that moment, but that moment if it could be lived would have been sublime like soaring the skies with a freedom rarely attainable within our present state of human confinement..

If this was meant to free my heart am I strong enough to deal with its exposure to rejection again...

I hurt.. and I dont know what to do..

School

I remember when I was at school this little saying

A heart is not a play thing
A heart is not a toy
But if you want to break it
Just give it to a boy

What can I say ...

Bored

Why do I have this sense of something being amiss !! I think I know !!1 but do I have what it takes to deal with it ???