Weepies

My mother gave me a box set of films called weepies and yes having watched the first one tears were shed, one wonders at these moments if the tears are shed for the characters within the film or in fact shed for ones self, driving back just now I wanted so much to just cry but in my head was the fact that if I allow myself this then how can I have faith that all will be well, faith is so hard to keep when inside your feel like things are tearing away at you, the things that you cant change the things that you can do nothing about because you have no control... I'm feeling it very hard to not curl up and be whale my sad state, I have to stay in because I have work tomorrow but in truth I don't want to be here alone i want to be out pretending that I'm ok that I'm in control.
Is all this part of my damaged childhood, was my mothers marriage to a man she didn't want to marry by her own admission the reason she never loved my brother and I is it why my brother ended up with cancer his bodies way of manifesting all the neglect we endured, I don't know, I do know through my teenage yrs I tried so hard not to be here anymore, starving myself to an unrecognisable state, two overdoses, just because I think I wanted to be loved, and as I had no compass to set emotions by I have never know true love. I used to think that through my youthful silliness that all beautiful people were loved and adored, and these were the people on magazines, so if I wanted love all I had to do was be thin, and thinner, no one could love me if I was fat, so I couldn't eat and now with this comment that was made I'm back thinking that I should have been thinner, even though I know its silly, but if I had been thinner then it would have been one less issue..
If I hadn't dated him I woundnt be feeling bad, i would still have been in that place that looked forward to one day that special person sweeping me off my feet.
I don't understand why spirit has decided to put me through this, but I have to try so hard on this horrible decent into my deepest lack to look forwards and try with a my powers to aim towards the light.. But I'm so so very tired off all this.. People think I'm mad when I say death doesn't bother me but it doesn't because in death we feel nothing of this pain.
I'm really really tired right now, I wish he hadn't been so mean................ I don't understand it...............He tought me one thing though i cant put mysef through this again I just cant, please please give me the strength to stay on my own dont let me be swayed by someone pretending to be nice when i know now I really know that men are never nice to me.............my throat hurts so much.....